Getting Started
Terri suggested this to me, sort of as a way to deal with my feelings about losing the baby, and everything that is happening in my life. And since I'm feeling kinda on the verge of insanity or something (!) I'm gonna give it a try...
It's been over a month now since I lost the baby, and I still don't think I have really dealt with it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind for a while and stay busy (the staying busy part was easy) but I know it's still there. I think the hardest part is not knowing anything about this baby, just feeling so disconnected. I love babies and children so much and I really think there is nothing sweeter in the whole world than giving a newborn baby a kiss and a snuggle and just breathing in that baby smell and softness. And knowing that will never happen with this one, that I don't even know whether it would have been a boy or a girl (and I just hate saying "it") is just tearing me up. I never thought this would happen to me, never. Maybe that's just arrogance or something, but I always thought that miscarriages happened to other women, but not me. With the circumstances of my pregnancy with TJ, I just pretty much figured it was impossible for me to not carry a baby to term.
How did this happen? And why? I just keep asking myself that, asking God. I gues that's my biggest issue there...why did God let this happen? That Sunday in church when everyone was praying for us...why did God let this happen? It puts thoughts in my mind that should not be there and I know that it's just the devil trying to take advantage of this situation and get to me. But I just keep wondering what's the point of praying if God is just going to do what He wants to anyway? Terri and Aunt Jo would probably just tell me that it's because He wants a relationship with me, and Lynda has told me I probably lost the baby because there was something wrong. But that doesn't make me feel better right now. Neither does other people telling me that I'm lucky because they lost babies so much further along. I'm sure it would have been much more terrible to be farther along, but that doesn't mean this doesn't hurt.
I guess what makes it worse is that at times I have felt like no one really cares. Especially people from church. And I hate to think that way because my church family has always been so wonderful to me, all the years I have gone there. I love them all and feel so comfortable with them. But no one from church called, or stopped by to see how we were doing, or anything. One person sent a card (and she's one of the sweetest ladies I know). I realize that so much was going on at the time, what with the benefit dinner and all that, but it just hurt my feelings a little that no one really seemed to care, or at least they didn't show that they cared. I suppose I brought some of that on myself though, pretending to be holding up so well. I'm just not used to talking about my problems and hurts. I'm the one who always helps other people with theirs. I'm the one my friends talk to when something's wrong, I'm the one my mom and sister turned to when my dad was in the hospital and we were all scared. I'm supposed to be reliable and dependable, not crying and hurting--it just seems like weakness, a luxury I can't have.
School is just a mess too. I got so behind because for a whole week I did nothing. I layed around on the couch, I played with Erin a little, I watched Tv, I slept, I cried... In college you just can't go a week without reading your textbooks and going over your notes. I know that, but I let it happen anyway. And I went to school the following week angry at the world for going on without me. I honestly felt that way! How dare my professors go on with class and make me get behind like that! It's silly and childish and stupid but I couldn't help it.
So now here I am with two research paper due dates looming in the too-near future and a husband and kids who need me every day and church responsibilities and just day-to-day stuff like doing dishes and laundry and running the vacuum (which some days feels like running the whole world). I'm really trying to deal with everything and go on with my life. I'm trying to "forgive" God, as horrible as that sounds. Because I know it's what I have to do, because I have been so incredibly blessed. That is why I titled this "Blessings and Confusion"... because as crazy as my life gets and has gotten, I always count my blessings first. God has been amazing to me and I certainly don't deserve it. I came from absolute total filth and He washed me clean. I don't deserve Heaven, and yet I know that's where I am going when I die, because God has forgiven me and loves me. He has blessed me with three beautiful, precious little girls, a husband who loves me and our daughters and is doing his best for us, a wonderful church family and extended family...so much love. And that is what I want to show everyone in return. I want to climb up out of this depression I've fallen into, and shine with love. Hopefully, finally talking about this is the first step...
It's been over a month now since I lost the baby, and I still don't think I have really dealt with it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind for a while and stay busy (the staying busy part was easy) but I know it's still there. I think the hardest part is not knowing anything about this baby, just feeling so disconnected. I love babies and children so much and I really think there is nothing sweeter in the whole world than giving a newborn baby a kiss and a snuggle and just breathing in that baby smell and softness. And knowing that will never happen with this one, that I don't even know whether it would have been a boy or a girl (and I just hate saying "it") is just tearing me up. I never thought this would happen to me, never. Maybe that's just arrogance or something, but I always thought that miscarriages happened to other women, but not me. With the circumstances of my pregnancy with TJ, I just pretty much figured it was impossible for me to not carry a baby to term.
How did this happen? And why? I just keep asking myself that, asking God. I gues that's my biggest issue there...why did God let this happen? That Sunday in church when everyone was praying for us...why did God let this happen? It puts thoughts in my mind that should not be there and I know that it's just the devil trying to take advantage of this situation and get to me. But I just keep wondering what's the point of praying if God is just going to do what He wants to anyway? Terri and Aunt Jo would probably just tell me that it's because He wants a relationship with me, and Lynda has told me I probably lost the baby because there was something wrong. But that doesn't make me feel better right now. Neither does other people telling me that I'm lucky because they lost babies so much further along. I'm sure it would have been much more terrible to be farther along, but that doesn't mean this doesn't hurt.
I guess what makes it worse is that at times I have felt like no one really cares. Especially people from church. And I hate to think that way because my church family has always been so wonderful to me, all the years I have gone there. I love them all and feel so comfortable with them. But no one from church called, or stopped by to see how we were doing, or anything. One person sent a card (and she's one of the sweetest ladies I know). I realize that so much was going on at the time, what with the benefit dinner and all that, but it just hurt my feelings a little that no one really seemed to care, or at least they didn't show that they cared. I suppose I brought some of that on myself though, pretending to be holding up so well. I'm just not used to talking about my problems and hurts. I'm the one who always helps other people with theirs. I'm the one my friends talk to when something's wrong, I'm the one my mom and sister turned to when my dad was in the hospital and we were all scared. I'm supposed to be reliable and dependable, not crying and hurting--it just seems like weakness, a luxury I can't have.
School is just a mess too. I got so behind because for a whole week I did nothing. I layed around on the couch, I played with Erin a little, I watched Tv, I slept, I cried... In college you just can't go a week without reading your textbooks and going over your notes. I know that, but I let it happen anyway. And I went to school the following week angry at the world for going on without me. I honestly felt that way! How dare my professors go on with class and make me get behind like that! It's silly and childish and stupid but I couldn't help it.
So now here I am with two research paper due dates looming in the too-near future and a husband and kids who need me every day and church responsibilities and just day-to-day stuff like doing dishes and laundry and running the vacuum (which some days feels like running the whole world). I'm really trying to deal with everything and go on with my life. I'm trying to "forgive" God, as horrible as that sounds. Because I know it's what I have to do, because I have been so incredibly blessed. That is why I titled this "Blessings and Confusion"... because as crazy as my life gets and has gotten, I always count my blessings first. God has been amazing to me and I certainly don't deserve it. I came from absolute total filth and He washed me clean. I don't deserve Heaven, and yet I know that's where I am going when I die, because God has forgiven me and loves me. He has blessed me with three beautiful, precious little girls, a husband who loves me and our daughters and is doing his best for us, a wonderful church family and extended family...so much love. And that is what I want to show everyone in return. I want to climb up out of this depression I've fallen into, and shine with love. Hopefully, finally talking about this is the first step...
posted by Amy @ 3:48 PM
3 Comments:
At 7:55 AM,
Terri said…
Hi Amy!
I felt your pain and confusion as I read your blog and I pray you will find this as an outlet for your innermost feelings.
I know that I, myself, need to apologize for not "being there" for you during your loss. I certainly began pounding heaven's gates on your behalf, as well as the whole church did, but I did not know what to say, how to comfort you. Isn't that silly for someone who has "been there" themselves? Yet that was 26 years ago for me ... Yours is NOW ... the present.
God has a way of healing those hurts, those losses. He never promised us a painfree life ... That is impossible since "the prince of this world" (Satan) has control "for a season" which means there we live in a world where sin abounds and death is a certainty for all on this earth ... but God did promise us that he "will never leave us or forsake us". It was only through those times I spent with Him in His Word, seizing hold of His promises, basking in His presence and pounding His throne in prayer for answers that I found peace ... the "peace that passes all understanding" as He promises in HIs Word. How? you ask. I don't know. It is just as the Bible says that this peace "passes all understanding". It is not an easy thing to find in the midst of such despair because for some time we feel numb and unable to pray. In those times we are promised in His Word that the Holy Spirit will interpret our innermost groanings. What a relief!
Ask God for a promise from His Word that you can memorize and find strenght in. I told my daughter-in-law about you and she is watching her blog spot for any comments you may make signed Amy at the end of it. She will do her best to "be there" for you but she admits she still struggles at times even though it's been 2 years. God bless you in your journey as you seek peace and purpose. I love you and believe in you!
Terri
At 2:07 PM,
Kelly said…
Amy,
First of all, I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Kelly Smith, and I am Terri's daughter in law.
I read your blog today and it brought back so many memories. At one time, I felt many of the things you do now. In fact, I am almost certain I said the exact words " . . . what's the point of praying if God is just going to do what He wants to anyway?" I struggled with that for a long time.
Losing a child is, I imagine, the most difficult road you will have to walk in this life. I am two years down the road from that experience, and still ache for the son I never got to know. But, the Lord has also brought peace. And I know He will bring it to you.
As "un-fun" as it might sound, you just have to keep walking through this valley, day by day,and eventually, I promise you, you will again find yourself on the mountaintop enjoying all of God's great splendor.
But until then, believe the things that are true: Christ loves you more than you can imagine and hurts for you right now, just as you hurt for your sweet child; and, what Satan means for destruction in our lives, the Lord is able to work for the good . . . .
You are in my prayers. I am available if you ever need to chat. Mom (Terri) said she gave you my blog address. There is a link to my email from there if you would like to talk more privately. I also wanted to tell you that if you would like to read some of my older entries that I posted right after we lost the baby, just go to the "Archives" section on the left side of my page. We lost the baby in Oct'03.
Sending peace, blessings, and squishy hugs your way . . .
Kelly
At 6:59 PM,
Terri said…
Amy, I was just going back through my blogs to find one I thought might help you some. Go back in my Archives to Wednesday, July 27th. This movie was such an inspiration to me.
Love and Prayers,
Terri
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