praying for sunny days
The title I chose for this entry is the title of a song that I really like. It's all about "hanging in there" when things aren't so "sunny" and just praying and having faith that God will make things better. That's exactly what I've been doing these last few days. The anniversary of losing the baby just completely snuck up on me. I didn't think about it, or dwell on it, honestly I didn't. I've been so busy with school, and the kids and everything that I seriously haven't had time to sit around being all contemplative and stuff. And yet, last Sunday, it just hit me-- "this is the day..." It was like someone had punched me, just knocked the wind right out of me. And yet, even then, I didn't think about it, I just went on getting ready for church. When I got there I didn't tell anyone what day it was except for Terri (who I knew would pray for me!). I didn't want to think about it, but it was all I could think about, and ever since I've been hurting. Going over and over things in my mind, what I could have done differently, how I could have prevented it. But I know that there was nothing I could have done. Just like there's not much I can do now to stop the flood of emotions and sadness that have swept over me; nothing I can do but pray. That's exactly what I have been doing. And while I still feel incredible sadness over the memory of losing my baby, I also feel an incredible closeness to God that is just wonderful and amazing. I truly know what people mean now when they talk about Jesus being a friend. I sometimes feel like He's the only friend who knows and understands me completely and will never leave me, never stop loving me. I'm ashamed that I took so long to really get into reading the Bible every day--I was missing out on so much! But I'm glad that I finally started and I don't ever want to stop. It hurts that I don't have that little one to hold in my arms. I still stop and think to myself how old would the baby be now? What would it be like? But I know that one day when I get to Heaven my grandma Theo Jane will be standing there holding that baby waiting for me. (I'm not going to cry!...ok, I'm crying.) In the meantime I will just love my 3 precious little girls, and my Ed, and just be thankful, so thankful that I have them. God has been good to me.
posted by Amy @ 8:22 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:23 AM,
Terri said…
HI Amy,
I remember how, as the years came and went after losing our little Joshua James, his birthday would "sneak up on me" and even almost be overlooked until it was past. I struggled with guilt that I would allow myself to forget the pain of losing the little one I never got to bring home from the hospital and watch grow and share my love with him. I actually started making a mental and emotional effort to remember his birth (and death) dates every year so I could be a "good Mom" in some way to him by honoring the pain of losing him. The year came (I don't remember how many years after his birth and death) when I realized that I had not really ever just "let him go" and truly surrendered him into God's loving care. It's like God told me I needed to "move on". Since then, I still remember my precious little one on his birthday, at least, (but I must admit with conscious effort) but I have covenanted with God to focus on the present and all the loved ones and relationships He has since blessed me with. I am so much more at peace.
One day, I truly believe, you will also come to that point. Don't ever feel guilty if you almost forget your unborn child's anticipated birth date. He/she WAS BORN ... in Heaven, and awaits for you there. He/she has been saved from the pains and stresses of this world which gets worse with the passing of each day. You have been saved from having to have your heart broken if that little one was a child that would have rebelled against God and been lost to the "kingdom of God". I have often thought of that. I do not know if I could bare it if I had one who was rebellious and destroyed their lives ... especially as I see Cyndi and Gene struggle with Stephanie. God knows who we are and what we can bare and I am so thankful He is in control to heal and deliver from the hands of death or remove His hand of protection from this world's harm and allow us and those we love to go to eternal rest.
Lifting you in love,
Terri
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