Our little "pumpkin"

We bought a very small pumpkin from a farm in Newton Falls for the baby, the same day we bought them for TJ, Karry, and Erin. I drew a little face on it with the mouth smiling (to symbolize the joy we had felt) and the eyes closed (to symbolize that our baby was "sleeping"). And I know how silly this sounds but I guess I really came to think of that pumpkin as the baby. It was just something to hold onto and look at and hug. Well today I noticed that the pumpkin is starting to rot and we'll have to throw it away. It's very sad. I know it's just a pumpkin, not really the baby, but I have nothing to look at to remind me of the baby, no sonogram picture or anything like that. It's like the baby never existed except for in my heart. And in Ed's, and all of us who knew, and were happy & excited. But I know that slowly everyone else will start to forget, or if not forget, at least not think about it very much. I don't ever want to forget. I know that I won't, but it was just nice having that little pumpkin sitting there on the kitchen counter since I couldn't have a round tummy to look down at and rub and talk to. I'm about to get all teary again and it feels so stupid. I feel like a little child, just helpless and bewildered. I have been praying though, and clinging to Scripture, clinging to God. I think maybe I'm done being "mad" at Him. I still don't understand why this happened and want to ask why, but the anger is fading and I know that's good. I'm basically just learning to take things one day at a time. For so long I was just all about planning everything, days, months, years. In fact the baby was perfectly and meticulously planned. I remember trying to figure out just exactly when I needed to get pregnant to have the baby in May, after finals, but still early enough that I'd have the whole summer to spend with him or her before going back to school. I'd wanted there to be just enough of a gap between Erin and the new baby that she'd have plenty of "baby time" of her own, but that they'd still be close in age. I'd wanted to have just enough semesters of school left that the baby would be a year or two old before I had to get a job. Everything was planned perfectly according to me. But I know that it's not about me and my plans, it's about God and His plans. Even though that's hard for someone who likes to be in control to deal with...