Uneasy...

I don't know what is going on. I am like a month late, and yet I've taken 5 pregnancy tests that have all come back negative. I'm so afraid that something horrible is wrong. I need to go to the doctor, but I'm just afraid that as soon as I walk into the office I'll just start crying because I haven't been there since I lost the baby. And now all these thoughts keep running through my head of what could possibly be the problem. And I've been feeling really depressed again. Last night I just laid on the couch and didn't even want to move. I knew there were several things I needed to be doing and I just couldn't seem to make myself get up. I just laid there until Ed decided he was going to bed and started turning lights out. He doesn't understand what's going on with me, why I can't just shake it, and I'm really not sure either. I keep telling myself to snap out of it but it's like I have no control. I feel helpless, like I'm just a slave to my emotions. And my emotions have been pretty dark. I pray, every day, more than once a day, but I almost feel like God must be mad at me for being like this. Aren't Christians supposed to be joyful and positive all the time? We're supposed to just shine with the Lord's love so others will see. And I know I certainly haven't been doing that very well lately. I feel like I'm being horribly ungrateful. God has given me so many things, and I don't deserve any of them. I should be happy. I have no reason not to be. So many blessings, and yet so many tears. It makes no sense. Some days I'll pray that God will just lift me out of this, and help me have a good day. And I usually will after praying that. In fact I'll usually have several good days. But just when I think I'm really well I get like this again. And then I pray again, but doesn't God get tired of it? Doesn't he ever say, how much do I have to give you before you'll be happy? Ed's getting frustrated with me, I know he is. I try to hide it from the girls, but I'm sure they sense it too. TJ and Karry are too smart, and Erin is a baby--babies sense everything. I just want to be in control of things again. I hate feeling helpless.