Trust and Obey

Quite a few times in the last few months, something Pastor Jim said in his sermon really jumped out at me. I started feeling like God must have a lot to say to me and He knows that Sunday mornings is when I'd be paying the closest attention Him! Well last night it was something Terri said that really got to me. She was talking about stewardship (a recurring theme in church lately, but of course I understand why) and how we don't "earn" or "deserve" money--it's all God's, and He is simply trusting us with it, and it is up to us to use it wisely. She mentioned how that includes big amounts of money, like income tax refunds, and told a story of how one summer she had a lot of money and did a lot of shopping, but found that she wasn't as happy. The point was that just because we have money, we shouldn't just run out and buy all sorts of things we don't really need, just because we can afford them. Well, that really hit me hard, because that is exactly what Ed and I have done several times. We get our tax check each year and immediately go shopping. Ok, ok, I'm being a little hard on us, I think. We do catch up on our bills, and we buy a lot of stuff we need--things like clothes, shoes, household stuff that breaks, things we need that other people can just go out and replace as needed but we usually can't afford to. Like a couple weeks ago when we got my big school refund check--we bought the girls new shoes because they had needed them since before Christmas and we just hadn't had the money. We got Karry a winter coat because hers was way too small. I got a couple new outfits because I had worn out some things and couldn't afford to replace them. We got a new vacuum because our entire apartment is carpeted and our old one was starting to spew smoke and would sporadically dump dirt back on the floor. So anyway, we didn't just totally waste the money. But we did buy some things we didn't really need too, like Ed got me a really nice necklace (for an early Valentine's gift) and he bought a used video game system, and I got a scrapbook for our Christmas pictures, and went out to eat a bunch of times. We gave some to the church--I made sure of it--but not nearly enough as we should have. And I realized Terri was right--spending all that money and buying all that stuff didn't make me any happier. Well, ok, it made me happy to have some jeans where I didn't have to sit carefully and make sure the holes stayed covered!! But some of the other stuff we could have done without. I just sat there last night feeling really guilty. I keep telling myself that as soon as I'm done with school and start working I will tithe. There's really nothing I can do about it now, because the money we get is Ed's money, and until God puts it on his heart to start tithing, the way it's been on mine, there's not much else I can do but suggest it every now and then, and of course pray. I still feel bad though, but hopeful in a way too. The school money may be just about gone, but our tax check has not come yet. I'm hoping I can talk Ed into giving some of it the way we should. I know we have to get a van and that's first on his list--and it is needed, with him working and me going to school we need 2 vehicles, and with 3 kids it makes sense to get a van. But I know it won't take all the money either and I just hope we can discipline ourselves not to blow it all right away. It's hard, especially with the girls, we feel bad that we can't buy them all the things we'd like to, and that's partly why every time we get money we tend to try and make up for it by taking them to the movies and shopping and out to eat. But I also realize that they are learning how to handle money from us, and if they see us going through a $4,000 tax check like it's nothing, what kind of message is that sending to them? And even more importantly, what kind of message is it sending to God? When He has been so good to us and always provided for us, much more than we need. Pastor Jim has been talking about how we need to trust God and how that can be a scary thing to do. And I'm ashamed to say this, but it is. I know that God will take care of my family and I in the long run, but I also know that sometimes God lets things happen, to teach us a lesson, or make us rely on Him more, or whatever, and that's the scary part. God let our utilities get shut off all the time when I was little and let us go hungry a lot of times, God let me be scared of my dad, God let me get assaulted, and God let me lose a baby. Sure, I lived through all that (and other people have lived through far worse) but it certainly wasn't pleasant either and I guess that's why sometimes it can be hard to trust God. I know He loves me and I know His plan is best, but I guess I still haven't solved that question yet of why God lets bad things happen. TJ has asked me a couple times why God let her have cerebral palsy and I don't know what to say. I always tell her something like God wants you to be strong, God made you special, God knows that you'll always be a friend to other people who are different. And I believe all that, but I still don't understand why. I used to think He was doing it to punish me; that part in the Bible about the sins of the fathers being visited on their descendants. I thought God was punishing me for having sex and getting pregnant when I was 15 and unmarried, so I would have to watch my daughter suffer. But I know now that God doesn't work that way and that I'm forgiven. Even as I'm sitting here writing this, the feelings of hurt that welled up in me a couple minutes ago as I thought of the bad stuff that has happened are being replaced with feelings of peace. Just those few words I wrote: "I know God loves me" and "I am forgiven"...such power is in those words, in the ideas behind them. My favorite Bible verse, ever since I became a believer, has always been Psalm 13. It starts out with David asking God how long He will keep His back turned to him and let his enemies think they have defeated him. He's desperate, he's searching for God, begging God to rescue him but it seems like God isn't listening. Then, in the last part he realizes that God has always provided for him, and ends with "I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." I love that line, and there are tears in my eyes as I think about it. God has been good to me, and who am I to complain about the hard times? I know why all those things happened to me. My family being poor made me appreciate life and all the happiness in it and not lust for money, it taught me to count my blessings and not take things for granted. My dad being overly strict taught me how not to discipline my children--to be firm, but not to scare them. The assault is what brought me to God. It was the last straw for me trying to rely on myself and caused me to realize I needed to lean on God. And losing the baby (though I'm still struggling a little with that) has taught me to appreciate my children so much more, and gives me another reason to long for heaven. God has been good to me and I need to obey Him in every area of my life. "I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me".