Never too heavy a burden...

Wow. There is so much going through my mind right now, so much going on in my life, I don't even know where to begin. I feel totally overwhelmed right now and I don't know how to put it all into words. And I feel like it's stupid and pointless anyway, yet I feel like I'll burst if I don't spill it all out to someone. I guess this dumb blog is that someone. I just feel lost. And I feel like I have no one to talk to, to help me. My husband is just as overwhelmed and exhausted as I am, since he's had to pick up all the slack at home with me being gone so much, so I'm not about to burden him with my problems. I have one mom in the hospital, which just scares me to death, and the other mom is so caught up in having money right now and incessantly spending it, that when I tried to talk to her about how scared I was seeing my mom like that (figuring if anyone would understand it would be Lynda, seeing as how she's been through this with her own parents) all she could say was "yes, I know it's hard" and then just prattle on about going to the spa and getting "pampered" and going shopping. My sisters are clear out in California and the time differences and our schedules make it hard to talk to them, and I haven't been to church in so long I don't know if anyone from there would even want to talk to me. I've just been praying, so much lately that sometimes I wonder if God ever gets annoyed with me, like when you're trying to do housework and one of the kids just won't stop bugging you. I feel sad, scared, angry, confused, hurt. Sick, exhausted. And selfish. I feel incredibly guilty that I'm being selfish for having these feelings. My dad and Kelly have been relying on me, just like when my dad was in the hospital and my mom and Kelly relied on me. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm not strong. I just go through this stuff because I have no choice. They don't realize it, but I want to cry just as much as they do. It's just that I can't, because someone has to keep things going. And I guess part of me hopes that if they see me remain calm and composed and hopeful then they'll realize it's my faith in God that makes me that way, that helps me get through things like this. But then I feel like a hypocrite, because if they could see how I am on the inside it would be different. Oh, I have faith, but I still get scared sometimes because I know that my will isn't necessarily God's will. That if it's someone's time to go, He's going to take them. And I just really can't imagine life without my mom in it right now. As awful as it is seeing her in a hospital bed, as frightening as it was waiting while she had surgery, I know things could have been much worse, and I'm thankful that they weren't. Every time I pray asking God to watch over her, to heal her, to guide the doctors and give them wisdom as they care for her, I also thank Him for all that He's done. And every time I pray asking Him for more strength, I also thank Him that He never gives any of us a greater burden than what we can bear. That's what I keep trying to remind myself. Even though it seems like my whole world is crashing down around me, I know that I can get through it because if I couldn't then God wouldn't let it happen. I also know that every time things seem awful, they eventually get better. Soon my mom will get out of the hospital, soon Ed and I will get our bills caught up and not be in such financial trouble, soon I will be done with college and no longer have to slave over textbooks and research papers. And I know I will get through it all with my faith. Happy Birthday Ed!