"well-meaning" people...

Yesterday someone came up to me after church asking if Ed and I are happy. She said I seem unhappy and thought maybe he was hurting me in some way. She proceeded to tell me how he's the meanest and most frustrating man she has ever met and told me I must be "so strong" to put up with him. I was just appalled, and not sure whether to be glad that I have such concerned "friends" or angry that this person would pry into our personal lives and say such unkind things about my husband. I just sort of smiled and said thank you for being concerned and left. I mulled it over all day, not sure whether to tell Ed about it or not. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I also don't want to keep secrets from him. Plus, he's my best friend and I've always talked to him about everything. So finally I told him. And he was remarkably calm about it. I think he was just hurt and sad. He asked me if I was unhappy because of him and I replied of course not. Generally I am happy, and if I appear unhappy at church it's because of all the stress I've been under there (and having to deal with unpleasant people/situations sometimes). He called his mom and told her about it, and she said that this person had also talked to her about him before saying that she didn't want him near her kids--one of whom gave Karry the middle finger yesterday, I might add. She said we should just ignore it, that this woman has enough problems in her own family and it probably makes her feel better to "help" people with theirs. But honestly, Ed and I don't know what to do. We had always loved this church, always felt so accepted and comfortable and loved there--but that's not so much the case any more. We'll just have to pray about it and do what we feel God tells us to do--even if that means going somewhere else.

Why do people hate?

Yesterday was grandparents day at the girls' school. The kids were supposed to invite their grandparents to come to the school to see their classrooms, meet their teachers, and just spend some time together at school. It's a really cute idea; they used to have it at Secrest too and the kids always enjoy it. Well, the girls invited my parents, which was probably a mistake, seeing as how my dad is becoming more and more antisocial. They went to Karry's class first, where my dad grumbled incessantly about the room being cluttered. I have noticed when I've been there that the room could use a little organization, but with that poor teacher having such a wild and unruly bunch of kids this year I can imagine it probably takes all she has just to cover the curriculum, much less spend her time cleaning up the classroom. The worst part was when they went to TJ's class though. Since February is black history month, TJ's class has been spending a lot of time learning about famous black people who did important things. The teacher has been trying to find out unusual facts about the different people, besides just what they contributed to history, to make it a little more interesting for the kids, and TJ has been really excited about what they've been learning. My dad definitely put a damper on that though by storming out of her classroom yesterday, complaining about them having to learn black history (TJ didn't exactly tell me what he said, but knowing my dad's Nazi-like beliefs and penchant for profanity, I can imagine). Poor TJ was totally embarrassed and I am just furious. Dealing with my dad's racism has always been hard for me (and my mom and sisters). Being forbidden to invite black friends to the house or talk to them on the phone, being forbidden to date guys who were black or mixed, as well as Hispanic, Italian, Greek, Middle-Eastern, or had a last name that ended in a vowel, was difficult and sometimes embarrassing, and I guess it's really a blessing that my sisters and I didn't grow up sharing his beliefs. It's probably because we went to a city school where we encountered people of all different backgrounds, that and the fact that my mom made it clear to us that she didn't share his beliefs either. Still, I just don't understand why he feels that way, or why other people do. It's frustrating, and it's sad.

feelin' blah...

Maybe it's the cold, maybe it's the snow, maybe it's the lack of sun...but I am feeling just yucky. Like nothing is happy, nothing is exciting, life is just blah. Worse yet, I feel guilty about feeling this way, because I've always been led to believe that once you become a Christian, you're just supposed to be overflowing with joy, always happy, never depressed. And generally, it's true, I am a lot happier now that I know Jesus, but I still fall into a funk every now and then too. Is that okay? I'm not sure. I guess the biggest difference between being bummed out as a believer versus being bummed out as a non-believer, is that I seem to have a perpetual hope now. Like even when I'm at my very lowest point (which I was a few months ago and am still recovering from) I don't ever feel hopeless, because I know that all the things I go through in this life are only temporary. I wish I had known that when I was a teenager! Of course, I also pray now too, which always makes me feel better. I even pray for God to lift me up when I'm feeling depressed and He has every time...not always instantly, but in His time (which usually isn't too long, thank goodness!).
I've been praying more and more lately...giving more thanks, asking for more guidance. I have some important decisions ahead of me and I so desperately want to know what God wants me to do and obey Him, because I know that what He wants isn't necessarily what I want. I know that church elections will be in a couple months, and should I let my name run again? (If I am asked to, that is...) I think I have done an awful job as Sunday school super, but I have also had a few people tell me they think I've done okay. I also have to decide what to do about VBS... Ed wants us to run it, but after the fiasco that was last year, I wanted to play a very small role in it this year. Truthfully, I am happiest working with children--directly with the children, not as leadership. Two years ago, when I was a guide, I loved VBS and had a wonderful time. Last year, as director, I spent the entire summer being stressed out and on edge, and spent VBS week running around like a chicken with no head! I love doing cherub church and children's church, I would even like to teach Sunday school (I would like that very much, in fact). But as Sunday school superintendent I constantly worry and second-guess myself. I feel unhappy and uncomfortable, and have even come to dread church, when I used to love it. So if it were up to me I would just let someone else take over. Give it to Tonya, or someone else with leadership qualities, someone who feels comfortable telling other people what to do, someone who likes taking the initiative and organizing and planning. Someone with self confidence...not me. But what does God want? That is the answer I seek. I'm willing to endure more discomfort, more self doubt, and yes, more gossip behind my back, if it's fulfilling what He wants me to do. Of course, it's sometimes hard to discern what God wants from what others want. Last year when I was first asked to let my name run I prayed. I felt so unsure of everything, and, like now, I wanted to do what God wanted of me. At the time I felt that He was telling me to do it, but now I wonder was that really God, or did I let my name run so as not to disappoint people (like Pastor Jim & Terri, and Tom & Lynda, and Ed)?? I know my weaknesses too well, and one of them is definitely a fear of letting others down, of wanting to please everyone (even though I also know far too well that that is impossible!!). Was I just enamored with the idea of being "someone" in the church? Pride--that's a terrible sin that I know I have committed before. And now I find myself wishing I was a "nobody" again, humble and meek like Jesus told us to be.
I just want to do what's right.
I want to do my best to serve God and others, to use whatever abilities and gifts He has given me to the best of my ability. Sadly, I feel like many of the things I'm good at aren't really of any use in church. I've been told many times I'm a good writer, but what does a church need a writer for? I'm a good listener, but there's no official church position for that either (other than friend). I like to clean and organize, but those positions are already filled. I like to encourage people and that's what I do in Dare 2 Care, of course. Thank goodness for Wednesday night being only two days away! There's nothing like cheering up someone else to cheer up yourself!

Unsaved Loved Ones

I've been more and more concerned lately about most of my family not being saved. Not sure why, but I find myself thinking and praying about their salvation more and more. Especially my sisters. My mom and dad know the Truth, they both were raised in the church, they still read their Bibles occasionally, and in their hearts I'm pretty sure they still believe. Kim, Heidi, and Kelly are another story. I've tried so hard to witness to Kelly, to help her understand. I let her keep my old teen Bible for a while and then for her birthday Ed and I bought her her own. I know she hasn't made the decision yet though, and I wish so badly she would. I can't imagine going to Heaven one day and not finding my family there. Just the thought of it is heartbreaking. And even though I know that the decision is up to them, I still feel responsible, as the only Christian in the family, to help lead them to Christ. I don't know what else to do though. Kelly acts almost as if it's some sort of fairy tale, and that she has a long time to make up her mind. Kim just flat out doe not believe any more; she'll talk about it at least, but she's convinced that all religions are out-dated and false. Heidi is down-right hostile to talk about Jesus--she refused to speak to me for months that time a few years ago that I sent her a forwarded Christian e-mail (it was really just a cute story). I know I need to just keep praying--"pray without ceasing"--and keep looking for opportunities to share with them all that my faith means to me. It just makes me feel so uneasy though, and so sad, knowing what they're missing.