I Don't Belong Here

Back before I got saved and I only listened to secular music, there was this song by a band called Radiohead that I really liked. It was called "Creep" and the one line went "what the h*** am I doing here? I don't belong here..." Well right now I am feeling that way about a class I'm taking. It's beating away at my faith, and I knew all along that I had no business taking it, but I took it anyway because it was an early afternoon class, which meant one more evening that I could be home with my family. As important as that is to me, at this point I'm wondering if it's even worth it because I walk out of that class every time questioning God. The class is called feminist theory and I walked in there the first day thinking, hey, this could be kind of interesting. I mean after all, I'm a woman, and I do sometimes feel a little frustrated with how men control everything in the world, and with all the degradation and exploitation of women I see (especially in the media). But those aren't the sorts of issues that are discussed regularly in that class; in fact a much more popular theme of it seems to be how religion (particularly Christianity) oppresses women with it's teachings of woman being a "helpmate" to man, and instructions for wives to submit to their husbands. And I must admit, I have always had a problem with that. I have been praying about it ever since I got married and realized I wasn't in control of things anymore. And God has been answering my prayers slowly but surely as I find myself releasing more and more control not just to my husband but to God. I still don't understand why God intends for it to be that way, but perhaps it's not my place to understand it--I am just to "trust and obey." However, in this class I am the only Christian and no one seems to see things from my point of view. And while I do a pretty good job of standing up for myself externally, inside I feel like a mess. I guess the easiest way to describe it is like this: submission to my husband has always sort of been my "weakest link" as a Christian, and this class takes a hammer to that weak link and won't let up. And when that wink starts to give in, it affects my entire faith.
There is another "I don't belong here" situation going on in my life right now too, and it's even harder to deal with than that class. It's my entire life. Things are going too well and I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I go to my internship every day dressed in nice clothes, sitting there in that office working on projects and I think, I'm that crummy girl from Warren who had a baby at 16 and didn't graduate from high school on time because my grades were so bad. I hung around with awful kids, did bad things, and had no goals or ambitions beyond getting my own low-income apartment. What am I doing here? My teachers in high school thought I was nothing but trash, why don't my professors here in college see me that way? I must have them fooled. People like me don't graduate from college, get good jobs, live in nice houses.
And that's when I realize, no, I don't deserve this. Any of it. Not the good grades, the internship, the degree, the nice clothes, the house in Newton Falls. It's been entrusted to me by God. He looked at that terrible girl I used to be and saw something more. I don't know how He did it, I wouldn't have wasted any time on me if I was Him, but He's God. And all of the good things that have happened to me, even the most precious things--my husband and kids--are there because of Him. They're His. And I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.