New Life, New Beginning

My last blog on here was from March of 2007. Just over two years ago, and yet it seems like eons. So much has changed, and I'm not going to get into all of that right now; it's not as if I could ever forget anyway. We are still a family of five, my daughters and I, although it's a different dynamic--I am a single mom again, and my husband was replaced by my adorable little baby Julia. We still live in Newton Falls, but in one half of a little duplex, and I am working as I had planned, but not in the criminal justice system, but as a nursing assistant. I heard someone say once that the best way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plans. I think that's what I did. You know what though? I don't feel angry or bitter or resentful with God; I am praising Him every day, more than ever. Yes, tragedy happened to us, but it brought us closer together (my girls and I, that is) and taught me humbleness and humility. He taught me to swallow my pride and accept help, and He showed me that through Christ I really can do all things. I felt so weak, so dependent on Ed, so unsure of myself, but after that crisis I realized that I can be strong--but only with God's guidance. The faith I have in Him now is just amazing. He truly is my rock, my foundation, that I have built my "new life" on. I love to pray, I love to praise Him, I love to sing to Him! I have found myself while I'm praying sometimes just bursting out in songs of praise. It's wonderful! I truly know what it is to love God now.
And as for this "new life" that He has given me, in every way, it's much different than what I had envisioned for myself, but I am loving it. Being a single mom is not always easy, but my daughters are wonderful, and anyway I'm not truly a single mom--my daughters have the best Father ever. I tell them that too. I remind them that just because they don't have a dad physically present with them, they are daughters of the King, the greatest Father there is. It's not always easy for them either I know, and I am so proud of them for how they have adjusted. And then there's Julia; she is just a joy to us all! God truly blessed us with that little baby girl. She is sunshine and smiles, she is love. I'm crying as I'm writing this because I feel so happy, so loved by God. I knew salvation before, but I did not know the joy of truly giving my life to Him. I would like to list all the miracles He has blessed us with in the last year and a half, but that would take a while and it's getting late so I will save that for another time. But here is one of the most special and recent, and that is my job. I felt so sad, so torn about having to go to work and not be able to stay home with Julia the way I did with Erin. And I was also very anxious about finding a job at all with the economy the way it is. Then I found out about the STNA classes at the Red Cross, and I signed up. Six weeks later I graduated and had my first job interview two days later. I got the job, and better yet, I am able to work three 12-hour shifts, midnights. That means that for most of the week I am home with my daughters. No day-care for Julia, no coming home to an empty house for TJ, Karry, & Erin. I am just over-joyed! And I love the work that I am doing. I love caring for people, trying to help them be comfortable, trying to help them feel well. God has blessed me, and is using me to help others, and I am so glad. He has made me glad!

I Don't Belong Here

Back before I got saved and I only listened to secular music, there was this song by a band called Radiohead that I really liked. It was called "Creep" and the one line went "what the h*** am I doing here? I don't belong here..." Well right now I am feeling that way about a class I'm taking. It's beating away at my faith, and I knew all along that I had no business taking it, but I took it anyway because it was an early afternoon class, which meant one more evening that I could be home with my family. As important as that is to me, at this point I'm wondering if it's even worth it because I walk out of that class every time questioning God. The class is called feminist theory and I walked in there the first day thinking, hey, this could be kind of interesting. I mean after all, I'm a woman, and I do sometimes feel a little frustrated with how men control everything in the world, and with all the degradation and exploitation of women I see (especially in the media). But those aren't the sorts of issues that are discussed regularly in that class; in fact a much more popular theme of it seems to be how religion (particularly Christianity) oppresses women with it's teachings of woman being a "helpmate" to man, and instructions for wives to submit to their husbands. And I must admit, I have always had a problem with that. I have been praying about it ever since I got married and realized I wasn't in control of things anymore. And God has been answering my prayers slowly but surely as I find myself releasing more and more control not just to my husband but to God. I still don't understand why God intends for it to be that way, but perhaps it's not my place to understand it--I am just to "trust and obey." However, in this class I am the only Christian and no one seems to see things from my point of view. And while I do a pretty good job of standing up for myself externally, inside I feel like a mess. I guess the easiest way to describe it is like this: submission to my husband has always sort of been my "weakest link" as a Christian, and this class takes a hammer to that weak link and won't let up. And when that wink starts to give in, it affects my entire faith.
There is another "I don't belong here" situation going on in my life right now too, and it's even harder to deal with than that class. It's my entire life. Things are going too well and I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I go to my internship every day dressed in nice clothes, sitting there in that office working on projects and I think, I'm that crummy girl from Warren who had a baby at 16 and didn't graduate from high school on time because my grades were so bad. I hung around with awful kids, did bad things, and had no goals or ambitions beyond getting my own low-income apartment. What am I doing here? My teachers in high school thought I was nothing but trash, why don't my professors here in college see me that way? I must have them fooled. People like me don't graduate from college, get good jobs, live in nice houses.
And that's when I realize, no, I don't deserve this. Any of it. Not the good grades, the internship, the degree, the nice clothes, the house in Newton Falls. It's been entrusted to me by God. He looked at that terrible girl I used to be and saw something more. I don't know how He did it, I wouldn't have wasted any time on me if I was Him, but He's God. And all of the good things that have happened to me, even the most precious things--my husband and kids--are there because of Him. They're His. And I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

As another semester winds down....(relief sets in!)

Well, I just completed THE wicked research paper of the semester...a whopping 17 pages, the longest one I've written. Yeah sure, I have 2 more to do, but one of them is more than half done already, and the other need only be 5 pages long. Piece of cake. So right now I am basically feeling like someone just lifted an elephant off my shoulders. I'm feeling pretty good right now, not just about that paper (although that was still pretty big!) but just about life in general. Things aren't perfect, but they're going good. God is good. I've settled into that little comfort zone that seems to come between disasters and miracles. After the fallout, whether good or bad, you go back to regular life, and that's where I am right now. And after crisis after crisis the last few months, regular life is rather nice!

24 hours isn't enough

The past few weeks, well months really, have been very stressful for Ed and I. But with the exception of the argument we had back in September, we've really stood by each other through it all. Yesterday it finally got to us though. We had a pretty big argument. Once again, I don't remember how it started, but I remember a lot of what was said. It was basically Ed yelling at me about never being home and not doing enough housework, and me yelling at him for being too rough on the kids and not being understanding. We both really did have a point. I have been gone a lot lately. Sure, it's not my fault, in order for me to graduate in May I needed to take 5 classes this semester and 5 classes next semester. And Ed knew that, we talked about it over the summer and I told him it was going to be hard on both of us, but he said that he could deal with it. I think he just really didn't know what he was getting in to. Neither did I really. It's also true that I haven't been doing my share of the housework. I'm not lazy (well, not most of the time, anyway) it just seems like every day I have a list of things to do and dishes & laundry don't usually make it to the top. I get the girls off to school, I take care of Erin, I do a quick pick-up and vacuuming of the living room, I study and go to classes, sometimes I have to take my mom to the doctor. In the evenings I make dinner (on the nights that I'm home) and spend time with the girls before they go to bed, and spend time with Ed. I also make time, either in the morning or right before bed to read the Bible and pray. Well, the praying part's easy, I do that anywhere...when I wake up, while I shower, in the car. Bible reading takes time and full attention though. So anyway, I understand where he's coming from, I really do. I know it's been hard on him. He goes to work, comes home and has to be a full-time dad, when actually he's still relatively new at all this. I just don't know what to do. I have always felt that since I'm not at home as much as I'd like to be, when I am there I should be actually spending time with Ed and the girls. So that's what I've been doing; I play with Erin and teach her things, I make sure TJ and Karry and I have our reading time at night, I watch movies or play board games with Ed. I didn't know there was a problem because he never complained before. That's how we ended the "argument" (although by that time it had simmered down into a discussion): I will try to get a little more done around the house during the day, and he will try to be a little more patient with the kids. I will just be praying that God helps us get through the last couple weeks of this semester, and then the next. Then I can get a job and live on a schedule like normal people.

A new perspective

I was dreading going to church Sunday, I really was. I didn't want to deal with all the questions about why we haven't been there, and have to come up with creative excuses. I didn't want to deal with all the same old problems that have hounded me there lately, the problems that have caused me to not even want to go. But all in all, things went pretty smoothly. I even talked briefly with "that person" I've been having problems with and got a pretty striking glimpse into what her life's been like lately--it made me feel incredibly selfish. The things I'm going through are nothing compared to what she is going through, and it made me feel ashamed of myself that I've been harboring such hard feelings against her. That night I prayed for her and her family, almost in tears, more concerned about them for a moment than for my own family. It's amazing how God works, how He turns situations around in ways I could never imagine. I realized that she's going through many of the same things I'm going through, battling the world as it tries to get it's claws sunk into her husband and kids. Just as it's trying its best to get to mine. So I definitely feel differently about all of this now. Rather than avoiding her I need to be her friend. In other news, I may get a job. Dr. Gregory told us yesterday in class about a position at the family court, monitoring kids who are on house arrest. She told us that the two big requirements for the job (besides being a justice studies major, of course) are wanting to work with kids, and not being afraid to go into bad neighborhoods. This job sounds perfect for me. It's exactly the kind of work I want to do. So I sent her my resume this morning and she tweaked it a little and told me she'd put in a really good letter of recommendation for me--I'm one of the people she had in mind for the job when she first heard about it. I want so badly to pray and beg God to let me get the job, but I keep reminding myself that it's not about what I want, it's about His plan for my life. And just like other things I've prayed for, some of which I've received and some of which I have not, if it's meant to be it will be. But that would sure be awesome!!

Forgiveness

I've really come to a crossroads with my church attendance, and I know it's time to make a choice. And really, the choice is already made--I love God and want to worship Him and fellowship with other believers, and I know the only way to do that right is to go to church. And it's sad that I even feel this way, because when I first started going it felt like such a privilege and such a joy. Now it feels like a hassle. Not the worshipping God part, not the singing, or the praying, but dealing with gossip, and attitudes, and self-righteous people who think they have the right to judge and question others. Yes, there is one person in particular who is sort of a problem, and I don't know how to handle the situation. But I guess part of the problem too, not just this situation, is the fact that I feel so disconnected with everyone at church. I feel like there's no one there that Ed and I really have much in common with. So many of the other couples are much older than us; I can only think of 3 who are near our age and the one couple seems to want nothing to do with us, the one is the people we sort of have the problem with (plus we just don't seem to have much in common with them), and the 3rd we were actually friends with but lately I've felt like they're judging us, asking all these questions about our finances and why Ed doesn't get a different job (even though we've explained that we need him to work someplace with flexible hours while I'm in school), and even questioning why I am bothering with school when our family needs money and I should just get a job. I think that the husband was a little bothered by me too, he thinks I'm too opinionated and not submissive enough...maybe he thought I would be a bad influence on his wife. I don't know. I just feel hurt and a little burned out. I feel like we've tried so hard to make friends, to fit in, to find areas in which to serve and we just keep getting backs turned on us. Like when we headed up the decorating for VBS and 2 people showed up to help--2 people! And I try not to hold grudges against people, but when stuff just keeps piling up and piling up I feel like I can only take so much.
The thing is, we don't know where else to go. This is the only church we've really gone to since we've been together, other than Morgandale which Ed refuses to go back to because so many people there still judge him for his past (and there were also some nasty things said about me for being a single mother). We had thought about going to Greg and Karen Mondok's church because we'd always liked them. We've also thought about going to Kathleen's church, feeling that maybe with a larger congregation we could blend in and not be talked about. The fact of the matter is though, I really don't want to leave the Newton Falls church. It's a wonderful place where I feel warm and comfortable and loved, where I feel that I really connect with God because I've felt His presence there so many times. We moved to Newton Falls partly to be closer to the church! There are some truly wonderful, loving, sincere people there, I would hate to let some stupid trivial problems ruin everything. It's sad that stuff like that even goes on among Christians. We're supposed to love eachother. We're not supposed to judge each other. When the adulteress was about to be stoned Jesus said let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone. None of us is without sin! And in a church family we're supposed to encourage one another and build one another up. We're also supposed to forgive, as God has forgiven all of us. And that is what I need to do. I need to put the hurt feelings aside and forgive. I need to put up with the uncomfortable questions and remarks and just let them roll off. People are always going to disapprove of us being poor, for being a little unconventional. Oh well. I love my life, this wonderful life that God has blessed me with. I am grateful to Him, and the least I can do is show up at His house on Sunday mornings to worship Him.

f.r.o.g.

I got some quite shocking news the other day--my sister Kim is engaged and pregnant (I think in that order). It shouldn't be shocking for a smart, pretty 23 year-old to be engaged and pregnant, but Kim once swore that she would never have kids and stated that she didn't believe in marriage. Of course, Kim was also at one time a Christian, and I've been praying for a long time now that she'd come back. I miss our discussions of the Bible, I miss having a sister with the same beliefs as me. So even though she hasn't said anything about religion, I'm hoping the turn-around in her idea of marriage is a good sign. Last night my husband made me so proud. We were over at Tom and Lynda's for dinner and Ed was doing some painting in the kitchen. Lynda put on Gilmore Girls, a show that her, Kathleen, and I all like, but that I don't usually let the girls watch. It sometimes has some "mature" content. Nothing real awful, but like sometimes they talk about sex and stuff. Well last night's episode was one of those nights...and TJ and Karry were in the room. Two of the characters were talking about it, not just a mention but a whole scene of conversation about it. I felt so uncomfortable and I kept expecting Lynda to turn it off, or fast-forward through that scene (it had been DVR'ed), or something, but she didn't. I'm sitting there thinking, I should send TJ and Karry out of the room, but then I didn't want to cause a scene with Lynda. So in the end I wound up doing nothing. I felt so ashamed of myself, that I chose her comfort over my kids' well-being. I don't know why. But Ed spoke right up and said "Mom, the girls are in the room." When we got home, he and I went out on the porch and talked about what happened. He told me that when he and Kathleen were kids they would never have been permitted to watch a show like that (or at least that particular scene), and that he wants to be the kind of parent his parents were. Not putting up with questionable stuff on TV just because "everyone's watching it." It made me so glad to hear him talking like that, because the past few months I've really worried about him backsliding, afraid that eventually he would get to a point where he no longer cared if we went to church, or prayed before dinner, or monitored what the kids watch and listen to. So it was a very small step last night, but it gave me hope, and renewed my commitment to pray for him (not that I'd ever stop). Every day when I pray, I ask God to grant us wisdom as parents, to help us make the right choices about and for our children. I know that we'll make mistakes but I don't want to make mistakes when it comes to important stuff. I want my kids to know what our values are and hold tight to them no matter what the circumstances. Sometimes I question myself, wondering if I'm too strict about some things. Like one day a girl that TJ is friends with from our church came over. She had brought a CD over of secular music. I let the kids listen to some secular music as long as it isn't offensive, but this music was. Ed overheard it and came into their room and told them to turn it off. When the other girl asked why, he replied that we don't allow our kids to listen to that kind of music. I agreed with him wholeheartedly, but then later I found myself wondering if we did the right thing. It was just music after all. Another mom in the church has asked why I don't let TJ wear make-up yet, why I don't let the girls wear certain clothes. I feel that it's not appropriate for little girls to dress that way, but am I right in believing that? Or am I being judgmental of others? I wonder about these things a lot. It seems like the world is trying to encroach on us all the time. I try to shelter my kids from the world, from materialism, from all the filth and corruption that's out there, but it seems it creeps in anyway, just when and where I least expect it. Being a good parent seems to get harder as my kids get older! But once again this whole situation goes to show me that I should not rely on myself, or on others (even people I thought were good Christian influences), I must fully rely on God, in all things.