Trust and Obey

Quite a few times in the last few months, something Pastor Jim said in his sermon really jumped out at me. I started feeling like God must have a lot to say to me and He knows that Sunday mornings is when I'd be paying the closest attention Him! Well last night it was something Terri said that really got to me. She was talking about stewardship (a recurring theme in church lately, but of course I understand why) and how we don't "earn" or "deserve" money--it's all God's, and He is simply trusting us with it, and it is up to us to use it wisely. She mentioned how that includes big amounts of money, like income tax refunds, and told a story of how one summer she had a lot of money and did a lot of shopping, but found that she wasn't as happy. The point was that just because we have money, we shouldn't just run out and buy all sorts of things we don't really need, just because we can afford them. Well, that really hit me hard, because that is exactly what Ed and I have done several times. We get our tax check each year and immediately go shopping. Ok, ok, I'm being a little hard on us, I think. We do catch up on our bills, and we buy a lot of stuff we need--things like clothes, shoes, household stuff that breaks, things we need that other people can just go out and replace as needed but we usually can't afford to. Like a couple weeks ago when we got my big school refund check--we bought the girls new shoes because they had needed them since before Christmas and we just hadn't had the money. We got Karry a winter coat because hers was way too small. I got a couple new outfits because I had worn out some things and couldn't afford to replace them. We got a new vacuum because our entire apartment is carpeted and our old one was starting to spew smoke and would sporadically dump dirt back on the floor. So anyway, we didn't just totally waste the money. But we did buy some things we didn't really need too, like Ed got me a really nice necklace (for an early Valentine's gift) and he bought a used video game system, and I got a scrapbook for our Christmas pictures, and went out to eat a bunch of times. We gave some to the church--I made sure of it--but not nearly enough as we should have. And I realized Terri was right--spending all that money and buying all that stuff didn't make me any happier. Well, ok, it made me happy to have some jeans where I didn't have to sit carefully and make sure the holes stayed covered!! But some of the other stuff we could have done without. I just sat there last night feeling really guilty. I keep telling myself that as soon as I'm done with school and start working I will tithe. There's really nothing I can do about it now, because the money we get is Ed's money, and until God puts it on his heart to start tithing, the way it's been on mine, there's not much else I can do but suggest it every now and then, and of course pray. I still feel bad though, but hopeful in a way too. The school money may be just about gone, but our tax check has not come yet. I'm hoping I can talk Ed into giving some of it the way we should. I know we have to get a van and that's first on his list--and it is needed, with him working and me going to school we need 2 vehicles, and with 3 kids it makes sense to get a van. But I know it won't take all the money either and I just hope we can discipline ourselves not to blow it all right away. It's hard, especially with the girls, we feel bad that we can't buy them all the things we'd like to, and that's partly why every time we get money we tend to try and make up for it by taking them to the movies and shopping and out to eat. But I also realize that they are learning how to handle money from us, and if they see us going through a $4,000 tax check like it's nothing, what kind of message is that sending to them? And even more importantly, what kind of message is it sending to God? When He has been so good to us and always provided for us, much more than we need. Pastor Jim has been talking about how we need to trust God and how that can be a scary thing to do. And I'm ashamed to say this, but it is. I know that God will take care of my family and I in the long run, but I also know that sometimes God lets things happen, to teach us a lesson, or make us rely on Him more, or whatever, and that's the scary part. God let our utilities get shut off all the time when I was little and let us go hungry a lot of times, God let me be scared of my dad, God let me get assaulted, and God let me lose a baby. Sure, I lived through all that (and other people have lived through far worse) but it certainly wasn't pleasant either and I guess that's why sometimes it can be hard to trust God. I know He loves me and I know His plan is best, but I guess I still haven't solved that question yet of why God lets bad things happen. TJ has asked me a couple times why God let her have cerebral palsy and I don't know what to say. I always tell her something like God wants you to be strong, God made you special, God knows that you'll always be a friend to other people who are different. And I believe all that, but I still don't understand why. I used to think He was doing it to punish me; that part in the Bible about the sins of the fathers being visited on their descendants. I thought God was punishing me for having sex and getting pregnant when I was 15 and unmarried, so I would have to watch my daughter suffer. But I know now that God doesn't work that way and that I'm forgiven. Even as I'm sitting here writing this, the feelings of hurt that welled up in me a couple minutes ago as I thought of the bad stuff that has happened are being replaced with feelings of peace. Just those few words I wrote: "I know God loves me" and "I am forgiven"...such power is in those words, in the ideas behind them. My favorite Bible verse, ever since I became a believer, has always been Psalm 13. It starts out with David asking God how long He will keep His back turned to him and let his enemies think they have defeated him. He's desperate, he's searching for God, begging God to rescue him but it seems like God isn't listening. Then, in the last part he realizes that God has always provided for him, and ends with "I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." I love that line, and there are tears in my eyes as I think about it. God has been good to me, and who am I to complain about the hard times? I know why all those things happened to me. My family being poor made me appreciate life and all the happiness in it and not lust for money, it taught me to count my blessings and not take things for granted. My dad being overly strict taught me how not to discipline my children--to be firm, but not to scare them. The assault is what brought me to God. It was the last straw for me trying to rely on myself and caused me to realize I needed to lean on God. And losing the baby (though I'm still struggling a little with that) has taught me to appreciate my children so much more, and gives me another reason to long for heaven. God has been good to me and I need to obey Him in every area of my life. "I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me".

Growing up with my kids...

Oh my, once again it's been way too long since I last blogged! Oh well... let me catch myself up again. Well, the weight-loss-thingy is going great for Ed, but nicht so gut for me--he has lost ten pounds so far (yes, I've actually watched him get on the scale) while my weight has bounced up and down. One morning I'll be so excited that I lost 2 pounds, then the next morning after a day of exercise and watching what I eat I get back on the scale to see I somehow gained back those 2 pounds and 1 or 2 more! I don't understand it at all. I know it takes a while sometimes, but it's so discouraging when my husband seems to have instant results and I have nothing to show for the hours slaving away on the ab-lounge (a wonderful invention nonetheless!) and exercise bike. At least I feel better about myself though, and I guess that's important too.
School has started back up again, and I'm taking a few evening classes this time--not my choice really, but I'm to the point now where I don't have many classes left to take, so I have to take them whenever they're offered. While I love being at a small campus like this most of the time, that's one of the disadvantages, at least for me, that most of the students here work during the day so a lot of classes are offered in the evenings to accomodate them. It's not very accomodating to me, because it means less time to spend with TJ and Karry, but I think they understand, and at least I'm off Wednesday nights so we can go to church. I try to make the most of the time we do spend together, reading and talking more instead of just vegging out in front of the TV. TJ got this devotional book for preteen girls for Christmas from Tom & Lynda and we've been reading that together, along with the Ramona book she got from one of her teachers (I just loved Ramona when I was little!) and Karry and I are reading a Junie B. book. Her reading has improved so much this year, I'm really happy about it and proud of her. She's worked so hard.
I think I finally understand why it's better to wait until you're older (and married) to have kids. Now that I'm older and more mature I am so much more interested in my kids and what's going on in their lives. It's not that I didn't care about them before, but I think I had so much drama going on in my own life--dating and learning who I was and whatnot--that I didn't really focus on my daughters like I should have. It makes me sad sometimes because I can never get those "lost" years back (not that I was a terrible mother--I don't think I was!) but it's also really neat in a way seeing how I have grown--how God has helped me grow. And it's cool to look back on my life and see how He was working on me even when I didn't know Him. I know He's working on me still too, helping me become a better wife and mother, daughter and sister, and friend and servant.

happy happy new year :-)

Wow, it's been way too long since I wrote, but then of course I've also been way too busy! I had a very nice Christmas and New Years though. Lots of time spent with family, lots of laughing and fun times. All that was missing was Heidi and little Kegan, but they'll be with us next year (hopefully). I had prayed for God to help me really enjoy Christmas, the joy of celebrating the birth of Jesus, and not dwell on my loss and He answered my prayer. On Christmas, for the first time since September, I felt really, truly happy. Most of it, I'm sure, was seeing Ed and the girls so happy. The kids got a lot of nice things for Christmas (and of course we try to stress to them the importance of giving over receiving and they seem to truly enjoy surprising everyone with the cute little gifts they make!) and Ed was so relieved that there were no awful family arguments between his mom and aunt to ruin things, everyone got along just fine. Of course, we had quite a "family juggling routine" that day--first we went to his Uncle Clyde's place for the traditional dinner, then back to our house for dinner with Gram and Tom, Lynda & Kathleen (because they were still upset with Mary Jo and didn't want to spend the day with her) then off to my parents house to exchange gifts and spend some time with them. I must admit, I was sort of dreading it, expecting a lot of chaos and stress, but the day turned out wonderful, and it was nice to see everyone.
New Years Eve was good too, although I think Lynda was a little upset that we went to the party at Mary Jo's instead of going over there, but we have gone to the party at Aunt Jo's every year and Ed and I refuse to get caught up in the mess between them--we just hope eventually they can straighten it out too.
Ed and I made an important "resolution" (although I hate to say it that way because resolutions are so often broken)--we are going to lose weight. So far we're both off to a pretty good start. We've been watching what we eat, exercising, trying not to "diet" but to actually make some lifestyle changes. And at this point I have lost 3 pounds and he's lost 2.
Well, I've got kids to get to bed and a husband to spend some time with, so that's all for now. Hopefully it won't be as long till I write again!