Family Peace

So yet another crisis has been dealt with, and it's back to normal life. Whatever normal is! My mom's out of the hospital now, doing somewhat well at home, although they are still smoking--after all these medical catastrophes you'd think they would be scared enough to quit. It's back to the routine here at home too. Friday I spent the whole afternoon cleaning...it was great! Yesterday morning I went to church for the first time in over a month. It was wonderful! I'd missed the people, the music, the babies in the nursery, taking notes during the sermon--I'd missed just being there. There's something about sitting there in church, surrounded by other believers, that I just find so refreshing and comforting, especially after all those years of trying to do things on my own, without a church family. I'm glad we didn't leave and go to another church. Sure, there are people there that we don't get along with, but when you think about it, isn't it like that in any family?! When I look at my own family, how Heidi isn't talking to any of us right now, and things are strained between my mom and grandma. Then I look at Ed's family, how it's basically split in two with Tom, Lynda, Kathleen and Leah on one side and Aunt Jo & Uncle Dan, Donna, Clyde, Vera & Curtis on the other (with me and Ed in the middle being Switzerland, I guess). But despite the differences, we all still love each other. And that is the conclusion I've drawn about my church family too; there are going to be people there that no matter how hard I try we just can't be friends--personality clashes. But I can still love them and pray for them and appreciate what they bring to the church. I've made peace with the situation--a peace that I know came from God, an answer to my prayers. Now, if only Ed could find the same...

Never too heavy a burden...

Wow. There is so much going through my mind right now, so much going on in my life, I don't even know where to begin. I feel totally overwhelmed right now and I don't know how to put it all into words. And I feel like it's stupid and pointless anyway, yet I feel like I'll burst if I don't spill it all out to someone. I guess this dumb blog is that someone. I just feel lost. And I feel like I have no one to talk to, to help me. My husband is just as overwhelmed and exhausted as I am, since he's had to pick up all the slack at home with me being gone so much, so I'm not about to burden him with my problems. I have one mom in the hospital, which just scares me to death, and the other mom is so caught up in having money right now and incessantly spending it, that when I tried to talk to her about how scared I was seeing my mom like that (figuring if anyone would understand it would be Lynda, seeing as how she's been through this with her own parents) all she could say was "yes, I know it's hard" and then just prattle on about going to the spa and getting "pampered" and going shopping. My sisters are clear out in California and the time differences and our schedules make it hard to talk to them, and I haven't been to church in so long I don't know if anyone from there would even want to talk to me. I've just been praying, so much lately that sometimes I wonder if God ever gets annoyed with me, like when you're trying to do housework and one of the kids just won't stop bugging you. I feel sad, scared, angry, confused, hurt. Sick, exhausted. And selfish. I feel incredibly guilty that I'm being selfish for having these feelings. My dad and Kelly have been relying on me, just like when my dad was in the hospital and my mom and Kelly relied on me. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm not strong. I just go through this stuff because I have no choice. They don't realize it, but I want to cry just as much as they do. It's just that I can't, because someone has to keep things going. And I guess part of me hopes that if they see me remain calm and composed and hopeful then they'll realize it's my faith in God that makes me that way, that helps me get through things like this. But then I feel like a hypocrite, because if they could see how I am on the inside it would be different. Oh, I have faith, but I still get scared sometimes because I know that my will isn't necessarily God's will. That if it's someone's time to go, He's going to take them. And I just really can't imagine life without my mom in it right now. As awful as it is seeing her in a hospital bed, as frightening as it was waiting while she had surgery, I know things could have been much worse, and I'm thankful that they weren't. Every time I pray asking God to watch over her, to heal her, to guide the doctors and give them wisdom as they care for her, I also thank Him for all that He's done. And every time I pray asking Him for more strength, I also thank Him that He never gives any of us a greater burden than what we can bear. That's what I keep trying to remind myself. Even though it seems like my whole world is crashing down around me, I know that I can get through it because if I couldn't then God wouldn't let it happen. I also know that every time things seem awful, they eventually get better. Soon my mom will get out of the hospital, soon Ed and I will get our bills caught up and not be in such financial trouble, soon I will be done with college and no longer have to slave over textbooks and research papers. And I know I will get through it all with my faith. Happy Birthday Ed!

Recuperating

After all that we have gone through this week, Ed and I needed to get away. And last night that's exactly what we did. The girls spent the night with my parents, and we made our escape. No, not to a cozy little bed & breakfast or luxury hotel (although that would have been wonderful), but to good old Nelson Ledges, to bond with nature and each other. It was awesome, probably better than an expensive get-away because we were doing something we both love, something simple that reminded us of the way things were before we became "husband and wife," back when we were just Ed and Amy, very much in love. Back when we could spend hours just walking around the park, or playing board games, talking and laughing. I think we both have realized lately that we've gotten so caught up in trying to be the people we think we're supposed to be, these strict little notions of what a husband/dad and wife/mother are supposed to be, that we've lost sight of who we really are, what we built our relationship and our family on. And that's part of why things have been so strained in our marriage lately; it's not just because of the money problems because we've always had those (and they used to be worse), but because we haven't been really connecting with each other the way we used to. So we're trying, in our own little ways, to get back to being that awesome couple who had prayed so much for each other, and was just so thankful to be together that it didn't matter how poor we were or what problems popped up--we faced them together. We didn't need a lot of money to be happy back then, and our trip to the Ledges yesterday proved that to us again. We walked around, we helped each other leap our pudgy butts over crevasses (and realized just how badly we need to lose weight!), we enjoyed the beauty of God's creation and the amazing autumn leaves, and just basically had a great time being together. And for a couple hours I forgot that our house has a lead problem, the kids missed too much school this week, I have mid-terms coming up, and the phone bill needs paid. For a couple hours it was just me and my husband and the beautiful world that God made for us. It was like eating cookie dough from the bowl for my soul.

Becoming content

I'm still unclear and confused about what the not-too-distant future holds for my family and I, but I feel a lot calmer about it now. Not really sure why...maybe it's because I did some grocery shopping this afternoon and having my cupboards and fridge full is comforting! Maybe it's because Ed talked to Ted (the landlord) this afternoon and he seemed willing to cooperate with getting the lead out of the house; although right now we're still waiting on the health department to contact us about inspecting the house. Most likely though it's because I have been praying quite a bit, and I truly do believe that God is going to work things out for the best. He has always looked out for my family and I and sheltered us from harm, and I know He will this time too. After all, I know it was God that prompted me to ask the doctor to do the lead screening--they weren't going to test Erin for it this time because they did the last time she was there. And as much as I hate to see my babies stuck with needles and cry, what made me tell the doctor to stick her again? I know what! It's all going to be okay.
I also had the realization this afternoon that in LESS than a year I will be done with school and working. College has been a very long, and not always easy, journey for me (and I had a couple little detours along the way) but I have almost reached the finish line. I am so thankful for that, that now I'll be able to get a good job and give my little girls the sort of life they deserve. I know it is my faith that has gotten me through this. When I look at the grim statistics for teenage mothers--that most of them drop out of school, end up on welfare, never marry, have kids with behavior and emotional problems--it makes me sad for those women and their children, but also very grateful that God had a different plan for my life. It reminds me of a song on a Gaither c.d. that Tom lent me...it was about seeing a poor homeless guy on the street with dirty clothes, looking so dejected, and that were it not for God's grace that "could be me".
Sometimes it's not easy to accept God's will at first. I learned that in a big way recently with my sadness over losing my baby and not being able to conceive again. I wanted a baby so badly, but it just wasn't the right time and God knew that--it was just me who was being stubborn. This problem that I went to the doctor about Monday could have been a lot worse than it was--just a hormone imbalance that the doctor prescribed birth control for. And I still don't know if I will ever be able to conceive again, if this will balance things out like the doctor thinks it will, or if as soon as I stop taking them to try and conceive my body will go haywire again. Only God knows if I will have another child or not, but I must learn to accept whatever happens and be content. Same with this situation now with the house. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

Why is everything going wrong?!

This has just totally been the week from h-e-double-hockey-sticks. Things got started Monday with my unpleasant doctor appointment and the girls getting sent home from school (along with about 20 other kids) for head lice...yuck. Then Tuesday Dr. Shaibani's office called to say that Erin's lead test from the other day had come back alarmingly high and I needed to take her back, and have TJ and Karry tested as well. Which yesterday we did, only to be told that our house has a lead problem and unless we can get the landlord to remove all the lead paint and lead pipes (which can cost a LOT of money) we will have to move. As if moving all our junk wasn't a nightmare enough the first time--I just finally got most of the boxes unpacked!--and we have no idea where to go. We love this house! We had even considered buying this house. And I feel horrible because Ed was initially hesitant to move here since it was so old, he was afraid there'd be problems, but I was the one who really pushed for us to take the house. I was thinking of the kids; how they'd be in a better school, closer to their friends from church, having a yard where they could play with no one bothering them. Now it turns out that this house I thought was so wonderful for them could really be making them sick. And if it is, where will we go? The thought of moving back to the apartments in Warren makes me sick, and having to put the kids back in rotten old Warren schools. But I'm just afraid we can't afford anything out here...most of the houses rent for way more than what we're paying here. I mean, Jeff and Karen live right down the road in a house owned by the same guy and they're paying about $100 more than us. That was the reason we moved to those apartments when we first got married, because we couldn't afford anything else. We planned to live there just until I was done with college and working and then we could afford something nicer. It wasn't such a bad plan back then, in fact the thought of moving back to Warren is almost a relief to me. I have felt at times that we don't really fit in out here, and if we moved back to Warren money wouldn't be so tight either. But the girls love it here, Ed loves it here--it reminds him of living in Lordstown again, which I know he has missed. We have to try to find someplace else here to live. I just don't know what to do. I am desperately trying to find God in all this, trying to figure out what His plan might be. Is it that He knows we were in over our heads with this house, with trying to pay the bills, and that we were too proud to admit that on our own? Is it that maybe there's even a worse problem than lead in this house and He wants us to get out before something terrible happens? One way I see God in this situation already though is the fact that I wasn't able to get pregnant all those months that we tried--lead is especially dangerous to small babies and pregnant women. So there's one little blessing. I'm just going to keep praying, keep my faith, and know that everything happens for the best. God is in this situation, working His will, and I just need to remember that what He does is for the best...no matter how crazy it seems at the time.