time to catch up

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written and so much has happened...of course, that's the reason I haven't had much time to get on here. Thanksgiving was wonderful, we all had such a nice time. I went to Mary's baby shower Saturday and it was nice too. I'm glad so many people came to show their support and love for her and the baby. I feel ashamed when I think of the unkind things I've heard some people in our church say about her and her situation. Who are they to judge? We all sin, some sins are just more visible than others. Anyway, there was a good turnout for the shower and she got a lot of nice things for the baby, so that's good. But I spent most of the time trying to comfort Lynda because she was so upset about Leah's surgery. If the cancer was down near her rectum they would have had to cut it and she would have had a colostopy (not sure if I spelled that right) bag, which she did not want but the decision would have fallen on Lynda, which of course stressed her out to no end. Well, praise the Lord--the surgery was yesterday and all went well! I am so happy about that. I was at the hospital in the morning and got to see her before the operation. She seemed to be in really good spirits, joking around and just being herself. Ed and I went back up last night, but she was still in the recovery room. Lynda was fussing about trying to make sure she called everyone. Ed tried to get her to take a break and relax and eat, but of course that did not happen until all the calls were made. Anyway, I am just so thankful that everything went ok. She's not totally out of the woods yet because she still has to go through chemo and all that, but at least the surgery went well and they got most of the cancer out. God certainly does answer prayer. Not that I didn't believe that before, but it's nice to be reminded every now and then, especially when it seems sometimes like my prayers fall on deaf ears.
I read Terri's blog earlier and I feel so guilty. She wrote about the tithes and giving being down so much, possibly because of Christmas approaching. I wish there was something I could say or do to convince Ed that we need to tithe. I do it with my own money, but I get so little since I don't work. I've mentioned it a couple times to him but I know he's convinced that it's something we can't afford to do, but it's something we have to do. He seems to have backslidden so much, it makes me so sad. I think the only reason he goes to church any more is because of the girls and me, and he doesn't want to do anything there but sit and warm the pew. I know the thing with Alicia and the nursery hurt him a lot, but honestly he wasn't very interested in church long before that happened. He constantly feels like he has to prove himself, and he compares himself to other guys all the time, feeling like he doesn't compare to them because he doesn't make a lot of money. I've tried to tell him that success isn't measured in money, pointed out all the verses in the Bible that talk about not being greedy, that where your treasure lies there your heart will be also and the one about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven (one of my favorites!) but it's no use. I think he was taught all his life that it's important to have a nice house, car, and clothes and so those things are very important to him. That's definitely one of the advantages I have that I grew up poor--I know I can be happy without money and lots of material things. Anyway, I know he has to learn things on his own, he needs to be convicted and turn back to God--all I can do is pray.

Tired of church "drama"...

I go to church to worship God and serve Him in the way I believe He wants me to...NOT to be insulted, offended, and get caught up in all sorts of mess that has no place in God's house. I was so hurt, sad, and angry yesterday I left that church never wanting to come back again--and I don't want to feel that way, certainly not about the one place where I have always felt so accepted and comfortable and loved. I know that all this needs to be sorted out and talked over, but I don't know what to say. The person I am upset with does everything with the best of intentions and how do you tell someone like that that they have offended you? Her idea was better than mine and I feel like I have no right to be upset, it's supposed to be about the kids, not about my feelings, right? And yet I feel like I was just slapped or something. Maybe if she hadn't said it in such a condescending way. I've been spoken to like that too many times in my life, by too many people. Then the way she said "well we've always done this..." sort of made me feel left out, like who am I to come in and change things?! But that's just it, if everyone wants to do things the way they've always been done, why bother to bring in new people, why bother to elect new church leaders? It seems so pointless. The same thing happened in VBS, Karen and I wanted to make a couple minor changes and everyone acted like we'd just dropped a bomb in the middle of everything, and I remember feeling the same way, that if they want everything done the way it had always been done then they should have just kept the same people in charge. I am just so frustrated with this position. I know that I can't quit because I made a commitment and I have to stick it out, but I'm so frustrated with it I wonder if church will ever be a happy place again. Before I ever even gave the okay for my name to appear on that ballot I prayed, God, is this what you want? I prayed for Him to decide the outcome, for Him to let the person win that He wanted in the position. So when it turned out that I won, I assumed that it was what God wanted. Was I wrong? Does God not do things that way? I feel lost and more confused than ever.
Anyway, on a happier note, the dinner with my family yesterday was wonderful. We all had such a great time. The only sad thing was that Heidi and Kegan couldn't be there, but wouldn't you know, just as I sat down to eat, the phone rang and it was her! So that was very nice :-) My dad and Ed even talked and I just thought, wow, God works in truly amazing ways! Three years ago my dad and Ed did not get along at all, so much so that he wouldn't come to our wedding, and now here we are actually being a real family with the two of them talking (of course it was about football--there's something almost magical about it and how it binds guys together, haha). Anyway, after the chaotic and emotional morning I had, it was nice to just relax and enjoy some family time (good food always helps too!).

Heaven's Smile

I know it can't be easy for her
moving about the world with legs
that won't always obey her
that tire and weaken
and can't carry her where she wishes to go.
Yet she always glows with hope
you can see it on her face
in those tranquil blue eyes that tell me it's okay.
And gazing into them I understand
my angel child doesn't need legs
for she glides through the world on wings.
She's just one small token
of God's love and grace
my precious little gift from above.

Theo Jane means gift from God

Today I went to observe TJ in speech therapy. It was so amazing! She was pronouncing sounds that used to be impossible for her like "f," and enunciating the vowel sounds better, and she even made a very decent sounding "s!" She tries so hard, and always has, it's so good to see things really starting to happen for her. I know she's been going through a rough time lately too, having to deal with kids at school who aren't nice and wondering why God made her the way He did. What do you tell a little girl who has cerebral palsy, who is so bright and has such an amazing mind, and wonders why God gave some of us disabilities? I've tried so many different things--I've told her God made everyone different, we all have our weaknesses and strengths, that God has a plan for her (and I know He does!), but somehow none of what I say really seems to answer her questions--I know, because my own questions aren't really answered. I wonder sometimes why some people go through life with seemingly few problems--okay, I realize that to them their problems are a big deal--yet others have to go through so much. I just pray for her always, sometimes with her and sometimes alone. I pray for God to lift her up, to show her how beautiful and special she is, and to help her realize His purpose for her. I just put it all in His hands...that's all I can do. And seeing her overcome so many obstacles and just shine the ways she does is awesome.

My Lost One

For such a short time I held you
loved you with all my heart
and still I do, despite the fact
that we have been torn apart.
Being with child should end in birth
not in blood and tears and pain
not in questioning God, my faith
wondering what, from this, I could gain.
I should have been in a rocking chair
nursing my newborn babe so sweet
instead I lay there in bed all day
wrapped in pity and defeat.
They tell me I'll see you in heaven
and I hope with my heart that it's true
I'll learn to live and laugh again
but I'll never stop missing you.

Now on to the finals...

The research papers are done! And am I ever relieved!! Of course I now have finals looming ahead but at least they're not "required 12-15 pages with a minimum of 12 sources, which much be approved books or scholarly journals, cited in MLA style"!!!
I have no idea what things are going to be like for me once this semester ends though. I'm afraid it's going to be too easy for me to sink back down into being depressed again because I won't be as busy and I'll have much more time to think about the baby. I had really looked forward to being pregnant at Christmas time, I might even have been showing a little by then. I had all sorts of cute little ideas like hanging a tiny stocking for the baby and putting small baby items in it and making little sugar cookies with "Allyssa" and "Jared" written on them in frosting (since we probably still wouldn't know if it was a boy or a girl yet).
I am going to try so hard not to be down in the dumps for the holidays. This is too special of a time, I won't let myself ruin it. I just need to focus on the children I do have, the husband I do have, and all our family and friends. We're having 2 Thanksgivings this year so that we get to spend time with both my family and his, and the "1st" one is this Sunday (after the church dinner!) with my parents, sisters--except Heidi :-( --and Grandma. I love to cook (and I don't get to bring much to Tom and Lynda's because Lynda always tells us what to bring and it's usually just pop or something) and have all the family over, so I'm really looking forward to it! Then of course there's the "real" (or 2nd!) Thanksgiving, and then Mary's baby shower, and then my mom's birthday... and that's just in November. Wow, I guess now that I think about it I will have plenty to keep me busy. And thankful.

God's promises

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10. I read this verse today and it just felt like a big hug. I love verses that remind me that God is powerful and will always take care of me--no matter how "weak" I am. Because it makes me think of God as the big strong daddy who chases away all my monsters from under the bed. It's like the words of the "Jesus Loves Me" song: "little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong." Well I may not be little, but I'm one of His children, and I've definitely been feeling pretty weak lately, so it's nice to know that my God is an awesome God, strong enough to help me through anything, and loving too.
Ed bought a Christmas ornament for the baby yesterday, a Precious Moments one, just like the ones I have for the girls. He showed me how he had written the name we'd decided to give the baby inside the lid of the box. I somehow managed not to cry. I think maybe it's because Lynda was there, and I know she doesn't like to talk about sad things, she doesn't like to be reminded of loved ones who have died. She gets upset when the Price is Right comes on because that was her dad's favorite show. I'm just the opposite, I like to have reminders of people I love who have passed away because it makes me feel like a little piece of that person is still here with me. I like to think about them and remember them. I think that is why it's so hard that I have nothing to remind me of our baby--no sonogram pictures or anything like that. Well, I guess now I have the Christmas ornament...that's something.

Setting priorities...

I made a decision last night that was very hard for me, and I know some people are going to be disappointed in me, but I also know it's the right thing to do, for my family and for myself. And now I feel free. A little sad, because I hate to quit anything, but mostly just hopeful and excited that now I'll be able to really devote myself to the things that are important to me: to my devotions and prayer time, to my husband and kids, to my school work, to the things in church I enjoy like children's ministry and Dare to Care. What caused me to make this decision is that I finally realized that I am stretched too thin, overly stressed out, and as a result I'm not able to give my full potential to anything. Something always ends up neglected, and all too often it's been my family. I can't go on like that, it's not right. It's not fair to any of the people who count on me either if I'm not trying my best for them because I'm too bogged down with other obligations and activities. I have come to a point where I realize that I need to set priorities. I've always tried to put God first and family second (although I have to admit that's sometimes hard) and everything else sort of competed for third, fourth, one hundredth, etc. Now I know I need to prioritize that other stuff too. School, for now, needs to come third. I am so close to graduation, I can't do anything to mess that up. Children's ministries/Dare to Care needs to come next because those are the areas that I really feel are my "heartbeat," things that not only do I enjoy doing but that help me to grow. Because I still have so much spiritual growth and maturing to do. As for other things in my life, some of them need to just go. I don't know how other people do it. I look at some of the other women in church who have families, jobs, big houses to clean (I struggle with a townhouse apartment!), and so many other responsibilities and it makes me feel like a total slacker. But I learned long time ago that comparing myself to others is definitely not a good thing. So I'm not going to do it any more. Someone who is good at this position I'm leaving can come and take it over. Someone who has a passion for it, someone who has the time to do it properly, someone who enjoys it. I will pray for that person. That's all I can do.

very, very thankful!

Oh my, did God ever answer a prayer in an amazing way today! I was so focused on working on my research papers all weekend (they're due Wednesday and Thursday) that I completely ignored my other two classes...that is until this morning when I got out my syllabus for Social Problems and saw that a test was scheduled for today. A test, and I hadn't even read all the material, let alone study!! So of course I immediately did the "Amy thing" as Ed would call it, and began totally freaking out. But I also realized that it was too late to do anything about it, I'd have to just go and take the exam and do my best. So all the way to school I prayed. I told God that I was so sorry for letting myself slip so far behind this semester, that I was so busy feeling sorry for myself, etc, that I had been taking college for granted, something I know I shouldn't do, and I asked Him to help me do well on this test (at least to get a B!) Well, I get to school, walk into class about a minute late, just in time to hear the professor announce that the test would be Wednesday--NOT today!! Needless to say, right there in class I whispered a very grateful thank you prayer!! Yeah, that was just awesome.

Uneasy...

I don't know what is going on. I am like a month late, and yet I've taken 5 pregnancy tests that have all come back negative. I'm so afraid that something horrible is wrong. I need to go to the doctor, but I'm just afraid that as soon as I walk into the office I'll just start crying because I haven't been there since I lost the baby. And now all these thoughts keep running through my head of what could possibly be the problem. And I've been feeling really depressed again. Last night I just laid on the couch and didn't even want to move. I knew there were several things I needed to be doing and I just couldn't seem to make myself get up. I just laid there until Ed decided he was going to bed and started turning lights out. He doesn't understand what's going on with me, why I can't just shake it, and I'm really not sure either. I keep telling myself to snap out of it but it's like I have no control. I feel helpless, like I'm just a slave to my emotions. And my emotions have been pretty dark. I pray, every day, more than once a day, but I almost feel like God must be mad at me for being like this. Aren't Christians supposed to be joyful and positive all the time? We're supposed to just shine with the Lord's love so others will see. And I know I certainly haven't been doing that very well lately. I feel like I'm being horribly ungrateful. God has given me so many things, and I don't deserve any of them. I should be happy. I have no reason not to be. So many blessings, and yet so many tears. It makes no sense. Some days I'll pray that God will just lift me out of this, and help me have a good day. And I usually will after praying that. In fact I'll usually have several good days. But just when I think I'm really well I get like this again. And then I pray again, but doesn't God get tired of it? Doesn't he ever say, how much do I have to give you before you'll be happy? Ed's getting frustrated with me, I know he is. I try to hide it from the girls, but I'm sure they sense it too. TJ and Karry are too smart, and Erin is a baby--babies sense everything. I just want to be in control of things again. I hate feeling helpless.

It's raining, it's pouring...

...I wish I was snoring... just kidding, haha. But this day did start out pretty yucky! I like to wake up to sunshine pouring in through my bedroom window, not raindrops streaming down. Then I came downstairs to the mess I left last night because I never got around to straightening up (and the living room looked like a small cyclone passed through--I think it was 3 small children instead). I got things in order though and started to feel a little better. Even though it is a Tuesday, and exactly 8 weeks since that awful Tuesday...
I have to go and do my class presentation in juvenile justice in just a few minutes. I'm very nervous. Even though I've been preparing for weeks and I know everything I have to talk about, and even though the class is very small, it's still scary! I don't understand why I get this way; when I'm around family and friends I can be the most out-going person in the world, but when I have to get up in front of a class, or church, I just totally freak out. I pray about it and that makes me feel a little better, but what really helps is when I'm done! Anyway, class starts in 10 minutes, so off I go...