should we demand Christmas?

I signed up for this email service by American Family Association where they like inform you of companies and organizations that are anti-Christian, anti-family, that sort of thing or when Congress is considering bills that could be harmful to family values or whatever. It's usually stuff that's interesting to know, and they'll let you actually email the people in charge so you can feel like you're making a difference. Like a few days ago I got one about how "adult" businesses (like strip clubs, massage parlors, escort services and the like) that were damaged in hurricane Katrina were requesting tax breaks and there was a link to email the congressmen to request that they not grant this money. I got one last week about how a school district in Wisconsin banned the singing of Christmas songs in their school plays but allowed Hannukah and Kwanzaa songs. Mostly lately, though, I've been getting emails from them about stores refusing to use the word "Christmas" in their advertising (most say "season's greetings" or "happy holidays" instead, and Lowe's and Home Depot were calling their Christmas trees "holiday" trees), and there were links to email the stores requesting that they use "Christmas" next year. Some of the stores actually responded favorably, but many ignored them. At first it seemed to me like a really good cause, and I would eagerly fill out the email letters requesting them to stop "banning" Christmas. But then today I got to my mom and dad's to drop Erin off a little early, so I hung out there a while. I happened to pick up a newspaper from a couple days ago that I hadn't read, and there was an editorial article about the "fight against stores who 'ban' Christmas" and the guy who wrote it made some interesting points that made me stop and think. The one point was that in the Bible, Jesus said that His kingdom is in Heaven, not this world, so why should it matter if the world celebrates Him or not? Well, that I'm not so sure if I agree with. Obviously the whole world is not going to proclaim His Name (although it would be wonderful if that could be so!) but I think that as Christians we are supposed to try to reach as many unsaved souls as possible, and what better time to do so than Christmas--a holiday everyone is familiar with, but not for the right Reason. The second point though is what made me think: he said that several times in the Bible Christians are encouraged to be meek, and we're not exactly being meek if we demand our own way and force things upon people. Is that what the AFA is doing with these emails, demanding we get our way? I'm confused about this, and about my own feelings I guess. Where do we draw the line between spreading the Good News and being forcibly un-meek and un-Christlike? Then again, there were times when Christ wasn't very meek either, like when he threw over the tables in the Temple. I know that all the answers we need to live our lives are in the Bible, but sometimes it can be a little unclear about things. And I know that I can talk to Jesus any time I want and that He hears me, but sometimes I wish He could just straight-forward and audibly answer me. It must be so wonderful to be in Heaven and see Him face to face! No, I'm not saying I want to die yet, but when I do there's so much I want to do!!
There's no question though that advertisers during the Christmas season have it all wrong--Ed and I have been muting the commercials because they're so annoying--with their focus on gifts, gifts, gifts. I think the worst are those awful Radio Shack ones where the people sit there and tell their loved ones what they just "have to have" for Christmas, or that terrible one they play on the radio with the girl who talks about her "clueless boyfriend" and how she's just gonna "come right out and let him know I want jewelry this year!" How pathetically tacky!! I can't imagine doing such a thing. I specifically told Ed not to buy me anything expensive for Christmas. He wanted to get me a ring and I told him for Valentine's Day, fine, but not for Christmas. There are just too many people who are in need, and besides I don't like the emphasis to be on gifts. When I was little that's really all Christmas was for me--a day of presents, really the only day out of the year when we usually got what we wanted (thanks to "Santa Claus" in the form of my grandparents) since my parents never had money for toys or nice clothes the rest of the year. It took me a long time to find the real meaning of Christmas, and I don't want to lose it again in the thought of sparkly gifts.
Today was my last final--the semester is officially over (huge sigh of relief)!!! I think I did pretty well on it, and (gasp) there is a chance that I got straight A's! My hardest class was definitely criminology, and since I got an A- in there (a blessing, no doubt) I'm not too concerned about my other classes. And now I have a month before the next semester. A whole month off--what am I going to do??!! Well, I'm sure I'll have no trouble answering that question. It'll just be nice though to have several weeks with no textbooks to read, no tests to study for, and NO research papers to write (the "Hallelujah chorus" is playing in the back of my mind). How nice!
It's only through prayer--lots of it--that I got through this semester though, and did as well as I have. The credit for my grades is NOT my own--it is God's.

there's no "good grief" charlie brown

I've always thought of sin in very childish terms--it's "being bad." And usually when I sin it's something I realize right away, or at least soon after, especially when I pray--it all seems to come back to me then, and instantly I remember that little "fib" that I told earlier, or how I said something in a way that may have hurt someone's feelings, or spoke about someone in that "concerned" way that borders dangerously on gossip. But yesterday in Pastor Jim's sermon I realized that I've been sinning in sort of a silent, secret way, and hurting myself and others. He talked about the 3 g's that can ruin Christmas for us: guilt, grief, and grudges. And I realized that I am definitely guilty of the second one.
This was a horrible weekend for me. I was just completely wrapped up in my sadness about the baby. It felt suffocating at times, like it was just literally pulling me down. Saturday night was the Christmas party at church, which is usually one of my favorite events the whole year, but this year I didn't even want to go. When we got there I just sat there and talked to no one, and if it weren't for Sarah and Linda coming over and sitting by me and talking to me (I think they sensed something was wrong, especially Linda) I probably would have just sat there the whole evening. It just seemed unfair to me, how could I laugh and enjoy myself when my little one never got to laugh or smile? But Pastor Jim got me thinking yesterday, and I realized that this season, this holiday Christmas, is not about me and it's not about the baby--it's about Jesus. And for me to bum around crying and sad during this time of year that's supposed to be joyful is disrespectful to Jesus. I thought of the Bible verse "make a joyful noise unto the Lord" and thought that God wants us to be happy.
It's not just myself I've been hurting either. After what happened to me when I got pregnant with Karry, I cut myself off from everyone. I lost all my high school friends because I quit talking to them--I didn't want to talk about what happened, and they could tell that something obviously had. So I stopped returning their calls and eventually they stopped calling. I stopped going to their houses and they quit coming to mine. I even quit my job and got a new one at a place where I didn't know anyone so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone (although I met Ed there, so that plan backfired!). I realize now that I've done the same thing this time. I held my friends and family at a distance and I've kept them there. Over the summer, especially during VBS, Karen and I became really good friends, but since losing the baby I haven't really called her or anything and now she barely speaks to me. The same thing's happened with a couple other people.
I need to get over my grief. I need to separate the memory of my baby from the grief of losing my baby. That's the hard part. I guess I feel like if I try to stop being sad then I'm "over" the baby, and it's not like that. Most of all, I need to be happy about this season, and the Reason for this season--the birth of Jesus, our Savior, who died for me so that I can see my baby--and Him-- in Heaven some day.

Miscellaneous

Today was the last day of classes before finals, the semester is about to end. And while it's been incredibly difficult at times, I guess I'm still a little sad to see it over. Ed would just say I'm being a dork (and remind me that I'm probably the only person in the world who cried at the "Frosty the Snowman" show until I was 14!) but that's ok. We took a quiz in Earth Dynamics today that I only missed 2 on, so I'm getting A's in everything but Criminology--I'll be happy with a B in there. So considering all I've been through this semester, I guess I didn't do too bad.
Ed and I made a very important (and very hard) decision: we are going to wait until I'm done with school to have another baby. Thinking about it now, it really does seem to be the most responsible choice, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's what we want to do; we both want another little one very much. But I also want to finally finish my degree; as it is I won't be graduating till spring 2007--I started in fall 2000--so it's high time I had something to show for it! Part of it for me too was that I didn't want to feel like we were so easily "replacing" the baby we lost. I just kept remembering when TJ's bird died and we rushed off to Petsmart that night to buy a new one. The first one was all but forgotten, and while obviously a baby is more important to a bird it still kind of felt like a replacement issue.
Last night the girls had Christmas play practice at church; it seemed to go pretty well. A lot of the kids didn't know their parts yet, but I guess that's to be expected. I know that TJ and Karry know theirs, but they both read off the papers anyway, oh well. Little Mason came over and sat down next to me and started chattering away about all sorts of things: "gray vegetables" (from that project we did in cherub church a few weeks ago, long story!), and Frosty the Snowman (his favorite Christmas show) and cookies, and oatmeal, and how he knows someone who lives in Florida where it doesn't snow (lucky duck). I just love talking to kids; they're so honest and easily excited and I think sometimes they just like adults to get down on their level and talk to them like kids instead of always trying to teach them things and "talk down" to them. Anyway, I need to get going now because I need to make an early dinner so I can go to Kelly's play with my mom. And I have a long weekend of studying for finals ahead...

it's not easy being married

Things have been really edgy with Ed and I lately. We haven't actually argued but we've just been so short-tempered and annoyed with each other. I'm not really sure why, whether it's the stress of the holiday season, or being short on money and time, or what. I guess it's probably just everything. Of course a big part of it for me is his lack of interest in anything church-related. Or Christ related for that matter, it seems sometimes. I know that he's pretty upset with our church right now, with certain people he doesn't like, certain things he thinks are unfair. And while I can see his side of things--that it does seem like some people are not treated the same as others--I can also see the other side as well and there are so many wonderful people there who have become family to us. So I feel torn between my husband and my church family, which is a horrible situation to be in. And while the thought of leaving them to go somewhere else is terribly sad to me, if that's what it would take to get him back "in" church again (not just going because he feels obligated too, but actually involved) then that is what I'd be willing to do. I don't even know if that's what he wants though. We went to Morgandale a couple Sundays ago because he missed his friends there, but he didn't seem particularly drawn back there. We went to Warren First (Kathleen's church) yesterday to watch the children's program, and it seemed like a very nice church with some very nice people too, but Ed didn't seem too impressed with it either. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm the "spiritual leader" of my family, which is supposed to be Ed's job--and I'm not even all that well qualified for it! He was raised in church, by Christian parents--he knows how everything is supposed to be. I was raised in a home where church was forbidden, by very religiously-confused parents (I think that's the best way to describe them). There were Bibles in the home, but no one read them--at least not in front of us. We were told who Jesus was--God's son, but not what He was--our Savior. My dad's idea of Easter services was to play his "Jesus Christ Superstar" record for goodness sake! And while I've been saved since I was 18, I didn't really get involved in church until about four years ago, so much of this is still new to me. I want to raise my children in a good Christian home, but I feel like I'm doing it all alone, unsure of myself. And that not only makes me sad and a little nervous, it angers me. I fell in love and married a man who was a Christian, who used to take his Bible to church to read on lunch break, who studied his Sunday School lessons throughout the week, who went to Sunday morning and evening services, Wednesday services, and his aunt's Bible study, who used to tell me that I was second in his life only to God. Now he tells me I'm first, but I don't want to be! That's not the way things are supposed to be. I know I need to just pray and be patient. I know that's what I must do, but I have prayed for my dad for years and he's no closer to coming to church than I am to becoming a man. I know people who've prayed for the salvation of loved ones (or backslidden ones) for their whole lives. I don't want to be one of those warrior wives, struggling to maintain a Christian household against an un-Christian husband. That's not what I married. That's not what I want for my children. I feel so helpless.

healing...in more ways than one

Yesterday I had like the worst headache ever and nothing to take for it and I got sooo sick. It was terrible! I couldn't leave school because both of my classes were important so I had to just stick it out and by the time I got home all I could do was trudge up the stairs and fall into bed. Ed bought some Excedrin migraine and I took it and slept a while and when I got up I felt a little better. The rotten thing is that I was supposed to go to a meeting at the church about the children's Christmas program and I missed it. I really felt awful then. Why does everything have to happen when I'm busy?! Like tonight, the girls have a dentist appointment and there is a board meeting, but we also need to go see Leah (and Lynda). So I have to miss the meeting, which I really hate to do, but what else can I do? God comes first and my family is second...everything else just has to fall in wherever. I've learned to prioritize, which is a good thing, but I still feel guilty when I can't be everywhere at once.
The other day I got a baby magazine in the mail. I had forgotten I'd even signed up for it (they sure took long enough to send it) back when I was still pregnant. I couldn't open it but I couldn't bring myself to throw it away either. I thought about how far along I'd be now, how I'd probably be starting to show and soon I'd be feeling the baby move. In a few more weeks we'd know if it was a boy or girl (maybe). I felt really sad, but it also made me realize that God is starting to help me to heal...very slowly. I used to feel sad every day and now I don't unless something reminds me--which still happens often, but not daily, so I guess that's progress, right?