Doctors (ugh!)

Today TJ went to see the orthopedic doctor. We were really nervous. I was so afraid she was going to need surgery to fix those ankle bones that have almost collapsed, and I wanted to prepare her for that but also not freak her out too much. Especially since we didn't know for sure that that's what would happen. Well as it turned out, she will probably need surgery eventually (to straighten her hips and stretch her hamstrings though, not to break and re-set her ankles and feet--thank God!), but there are other things to try first. They did a bunch of x-rays showing some potential probs, but nothing too serious (yet). So tomorrow I need to set up an appointment with another doctor to do a consultation about botox and some other procedure they can possibly do to straighten her ankles a little and try to rebuild the arches in her feet. I really hope that something works. It has gotten so difficult for her to walk the last few months, and it's hard for me to see her struggling like that and not be able to do anything about it. I pray for her so much, that God will alleviate some of her pain, and protect her a little from people's cruelty, and that she won't lose that joy and optimism that I love so much in her.
Monday I have to go to the doctor too, and I am very scared. I know that something is wrong and I just hope that it's like some sort of hormonal problem or something that can be easily remedied and not something serious. I guess my biggest fear is that I'll end up needing a hysterectomy or something and not be able to have more children. But I know I'm worrying needlessly because I am not a doctor and I have no idea what's wrong. Plus it's in God's hands, not mine and worrying won't help. I just need to pray and whatever happens happens. My faith will get me through, along with my wonderful family.
I am just so tired of doctors! I guess that's an awful thing to say, and I am very thankful that I live at this point in time and not 100 years ago when so many things couldn't be cured. I'm glad there are doctors to go to and that they have so much knowledge now. But between my dad's heart probs, my mom's foot, Leah's cancer, TJ's c.p., and now me, I just wish we could all be healthy for a while!

Calm out of chaos

Well, thankfully, things have calmed down a bit since last weekend. Ed borrowed some money from his parents to pay the bills we were behind on, which eased his nerves and frustration; although he felt bad about having to borrow from them, but Lynda assured us that her and Tom had to borrow from their parents a lot of times too the first few years they were married. He had a good week at work, I had a good week at school, and the girls have been doing wonderfully at their new school. So things are good right now, and I'm very thankful. For the first time in over a year, we're not trying to get pregnant, which, oddly, is sort of a relief. We decided that now is not really the right time for a new baby. Oh, if God decided to bless us with one we'll still be very happy, but with all that's going on right now--me about to finish college, Ed's job going kind of funky, our relationship being a little strained--we figure it's better to just wait. I mean, we've been married only 3 years but it's been a VERY eventful 3 years for us. We've gone through more in that short time than probably a lot of couples go through in 10 years! And don't get me wrong, it's been wonderful and not once have I ever regretted marrying him. But still, it's taken a toll on us (and still is) and I think we both, as well as our girls, just need some calm, peace & quiet. We need to really settle into our new home, and new town and concentrate on being a family again.

When it all falls apart, God's still there

Today was probably one of the worst days in me and Ed's marriage. He's put his hands on me before, but never in front of the kids, and never has me made feel so frustrated and angry and helpless all at the same time. I know that he's so frustrated right now because our finances are just a mess and we have absolutely no idea how we're going to pay our bills, but taking it out on the kids and me was just not fair. He was mean to T.J. and basically just stalked through the house all morning looking for things to yell about. Then when he shoved me up against the wall and I heard Erin start to cry I just didn't know what to do. As a mother I thought, oh my goodness, I have to leave him, I can't have my girls seeing this or they'll grow up to marry abusive men too. But as a Christian I was thinking, I have to stay with him, to pray for him, and set an example to my kids that love and marriage can endure. Plus, I know he's not a bad guy, he just loses his temper sometimes. So I just brushed it off and got the kids ready for church. But he kept yelling at me the whole way there. When we got there I called Lynda and asked if the girls and I could stay with them for a few days. Of course she said yes and asked where we were, and I said church (the girls were already in their classes and everything). When they got there Ed came walking out to the parking lot with Jeff, and said we needed to go for a walk and talk. I thought we got it all worked out. But then later, at the apple cider festival parade, he blew up again. T.J.'s legs were hurting and she didn't want to walk around. So I said she didn't have to, and I turned around to go back with her. But he grabbed me by the hair and started yelling again. A lot. And Tom tried to calm him down, but he told Tom all these lies about me babying TJ too much and letting her sit around and watch TV all day and that's why her legs are so weak. Tom came back over to where TJ and Lynda and I were sitting and asked me about all that. I think he believed Ed, and then I just felt hurt that Ed would lie about me like that, and embarrassed that now Tom thinks I'm a really crappy mom. And all the while I just kept thinking to myself, this is not Ed, he's not really like this, he's just under so much stress right now. He had gone walking off by himself, and I was so afraid he'd do something crazy and impulsive. I prayed for God's protection over him. And a little while later, Erin noticed him sitting off by himself. So God did protect him. And the $10 that I put in the gas tank miraculously got us almost a full tank of gas. So even in the midst of what was one of the worst days of my life I can see Him taking care of my family and me. I'm so thankful for that. Because if this had all happened before I was a believer, I'd probaby be getting drunk or high or something right now to try and forget my problems, instead of sitting here reflecting on all that happened and feeling thankful that through it all God was there. I told Ed that things always work out, we just need to have faith. And I know they will.

praying for sunny days

The title I chose for this entry is the title of a song that I really like. It's all about "hanging in there" when things aren't so "sunny" and just praying and having faith that God will make things better. That's exactly what I've been doing these last few days. The anniversary of losing the baby just completely snuck up on me. I didn't think about it, or dwell on it, honestly I didn't. I've been so busy with school, and the kids and everything that I seriously haven't had time to sit around being all contemplative and stuff. And yet, last Sunday, it just hit me-- "this is the day..." It was like someone had punched me, just knocked the wind right out of me. And yet, even then, I didn't think about it, I just went on getting ready for church. When I got there I didn't tell anyone what day it was except for Terri (who I knew would pray for me!). I didn't want to think about it, but it was all I could think about, and ever since I've been hurting. Going over and over things in my mind, what I could have done differently, how I could have prevented it. But I know that there was nothing I could have done. Just like there's not much I can do now to stop the flood of emotions and sadness that have swept over me; nothing I can do but pray. That's exactly what I have been doing. And while I still feel incredible sadness over the memory of losing my baby, I also feel an incredible closeness to God that is just wonderful and amazing. I truly know what people mean now when they talk about Jesus being a friend. I sometimes feel like He's the only friend who knows and understands me completely and will never leave me, never stop loving me. I'm ashamed that I took so long to really get into reading the Bible every day--I was missing out on so much! But I'm glad that I finally started and I don't ever want to stop. It hurts that I don't have that little one to hold in my arms. I still stop and think to myself how old would the baby be now? What would it be like? But I know that one day when I get to Heaven my grandma Theo Jane will be standing there holding that baby waiting for me. (I'm not going to cry!...ok, I'm crying.) In the meantime I will just love my 3 precious little girls, and my Ed, and just be thankful, so thankful that I have them. God has been good to me.