trick or treat

What a busy day this will be! Gotta rush home from school as soon as criminology is over and get the kids fed and dressed, drive out to Lordstown for trick or treating at Tom & Lynda's (we go there 'cause the neighborhood is nicer and the kids get more candy), walk around for 2 hours, then home and get them bathed and off to bed, hopefully by 8:30...whew! Ed & I will probably be ready for bed by then too...oh, wait, the Steelers are on Monday night football, so Ed will be propped in front of the TV even if he's half asleep. It's gonna be so much fun though! Holidays are much more fun with kids, I think you either have to be one or have them, for holidays to live up to their full potential.
Last night I dreamed about Clint trying to get TJ back again. It was awful. I wish I could quit having those dreams. They're different every time; this time his parents were in on it too, sometimes it's just him, sometimes it's him and a girlfriend or his buddies or something. I know Ed wants to officially adopt her, but we also have to contact him and I'm afraid to even see him or talk to him, much less let him see TJ. It's always been an awkward situation, and being a Christian now (as opposed to back when he and I were together and I wasn't) makes it even worse because I know how harmful it could be for her if he were a part of her life. Sometimes I wish he would just disappear...I guess I think really childish thoughts sometimes, but seriously, I really can't think of any "good" solution to any of this. I don't want him to go to prison or anything like that because then if TJ asks someday I'll have to tell her that, and it can't possibly be a good thing for a child to know their father is a criminal. I certainly don't want to wish he'd die or anything either because that's terrible (and plus I'm pretty sure he isn't saved). I don't hate him, I have even forgiven him, I just don't want him bothering us. And every time I have one of these dreams it makes me very uneasy.
Yesterday evening we were a little low on gas (and Ed doesn't get paid till Wednesday) so we couldn't really go to evening services. I felt really bad. Later, I got out that schedule Pastor Jim gave us last year to read through the New Testament in 30 days and I decided to do it again. I have totally fallen out of the habit of trying to read every day and I think that's the best way to start back up again. I think part of it was that he posed an interesting question during the sermon yesterday: how can we say we believe everything in the Bible if we haven't read all of it? That really hit me! I can say that I have read most of it, but not all, and it's been a while since I read some parts. So I realized that I really do need to read it all. No more excuses!

Falling back is nice

Tonight we turn back the clocks...which means an extra hour of sleep... hooray!!
Tomorrow is Sunday, which means church...which will hopefully be a "hooray"...hopefully there will be no problems...The Sunday school teachers will show up, the children's church workers will show up, and there won't be any hurt feelings to smooth over or anything like that. I love church, and I love my church family, but it's really hard sometimes to turn off my mind and all my worries and just focus on worship now that I'm Sunday School superintendant. I'm always wondering where I should be and what I should be doing. I miss going to Sunday school too! I'm still so new to all of this and I still have so much to learn. I suppose anything can be a learning experience though, and I have certainly learned a LOT in the last few months since I got this position.
My dad is having problems again... I'm not sure if it really is his health or if he's just a little paranoid. I am very concerned about him. He's been smoking way too much again, he really doesn't get any exercise, and I know he is incredibly stressed about his job. He said tonight that he doesn't care any more, that he's ready to just quit. I'm not sure if he was talking about work, or about life in general. I can only imagine how my mom must feel. I pray for them both (and my sisters too) every day and I'm just waiting for things to get better. Well, to be honest, I'm waiting for the day I see them walking through the doors of the church. I want so badly to know that when I get to Heaven they'll be there.
Well, I should get to bed soon. The "falling back" won't do much good if I'm up too late anyway!

School lessons come to life

Just finished my last class for the week and boy am I ready for some "off" time. Unfortunately I probably won't get much this weekend since I have those dreaded research papers to work on. Ok, so I shouldn't say it that way, they are going to be really interesting, it's just getting started that's hard. Anyway, a couple days with nowhere to go (and Saturday with no alarm clock except for the little one across the hall) will be nice. I'm just feeling really tired today--physically, emotionally. I feel like my feelings have been on such a roller coaster lately that it's really wearing me out. Well, Ed is getting Chinese for dinner tonight so at least I don't have to cook :-)
We talked about "mean girls" in juvenile delinquency today; how girls are so different about bullying than boys are--boys will just go and punch a kid they're mad at, while girls get all catty and gossippy and spread rumors and stuff like that. TJ is starting to have to deal with that now, it seems the boys at school are nicer to her than the girls are, and the girls who are nice to her in class won't hang out with her on the playground because they all want to hang with the "popular" girls. She thinks it's because of her c.p. and I had to explain to her that no, every girl has to deal with that! I told her about how I got picked on in school for all sorts of stupid things from what I wore, to what I had in my lunchbox, to my dad's job. Well, according to what we learned in class today, all the research says that's the right way to talk to a girl about it, that just brushing it off or saying "it's just a phase" sort of belittles what is a major problem for them. So I guess I did the right thing for once, haha. It's sort of interesting how a lot of what I learn in my classes I can see played out right before me at home with my own kids. My child psychology classes, my theories of learning classes (when I was majoring in education) and a lot of what I'm learning now in juvenile justice. I think that's an advantage I have, in a way, over "traditional" students. Anyway, I need to get going, I have 3 little ones, a hubby, and some sweet & sour chicken waiting for me at home :-)

Happy Birthday Edward Mark <3

Today is my Ed's birthday!! :-) He is 28. We were still up at midnite so I got to be the first one to wish him happy birthday (usually Lynda calls at like 5am or something so that she can be the first). I also joked to him that now he is 2 years older than me again instead of just one, haha. Just before I fell asleep I thought, wow, he was 19 and I was 17 when we met...we've known each other for a long time! And for those first years when we were "just friends" we had no idea that we'd ever be married someday. It's amazing. I love to do that sometimes, just think back on a certain year or period in my life and think how I had no idea what God had planned for me. Like back when I was 13 and I had to get glasses and had just started developing and I felt so ugly and fat, I didn't think boys would ever like me, or that anyone would think I was pretty, and now I have a husband who tells me I'm beautiful every day. Or when I didn't get to graduate from high school on time, and consequently didn't get to go to college right away and I thought I never would, yet now here I am just a couple semesters away from my bachelors degree. God is good! And I'm very happy to be celebrating another one of Ed's birthdays with him :-) He has brought so much happiness to my life, and truly made me a better person in every way. He's one of the ones who helped lead me to Christ, he helped me learn to trust people again, and he has always just loved me for me. I remember before Ed, I couldn't imagine letting a guy see me without make up on, or just grunging around the house in sweats or something. I couldn't imagine talking to a boyfriend about personal things. Now Ed sees me every morning and every night without makeup and still calls me pretty and we grunge around in sweats together sometimes if my parents or Tom & Lynda have the kids. And I talk to him about everything, even the icky personal things (well, maybe not all of them!), because he's my best friend. And I thank God every day for allowing me to marry my best friend.
TJ got an A on a spelling test yesterday!! I almost hugged her to death until I heard a muffled little "Mom, please let go!" She is doing so wonderful in school this year and I am so happy. It is definitely an answer to prayer. For the little girl who hated school last year to be sad on Fridays now because she has to go 2 days without seeing her teacher is awesome. Of course TJ never ceases to amaze me anyway. Theo Jane means "gift from God" and that's truly what she and her sisters are to me.
Yes, I'm having a counting blessings day! I woke up feeling pretty good today, just focusing on all the positive. I am very blessed.

Our little "pumpkin"

We bought a very small pumpkin from a farm in Newton Falls for the baby, the same day we bought them for TJ, Karry, and Erin. I drew a little face on it with the mouth smiling (to symbolize the joy we had felt) and the eyes closed (to symbolize that our baby was "sleeping"). And I know how silly this sounds but I guess I really came to think of that pumpkin as the baby. It was just something to hold onto and look at and hug. Well today I noticed that the pumpkin is starting to rot and we'll have to throw it away. It's very sad. I know it's just a pumpkin, not really the baby, but I have nothing to look at to remind me of the baby, no sonogram picture or anything like that. It's like the baby never existed except for in my heart. And in Ed's, and all of us who knew, and were happy & excited. But I know that slowly everyone else will start to forget, or if not forget, at least not think about it very much. I don't ever want to forget. I know that I won't, but it was just nice having that little pumpkin sitting there on the kitchen counter since I couldn't have a round tummy to look down at and rub and talk to. I'm about to get all teary again and it feels so stupid. I feel like a little child, just helpless and bewildered. I have been praying though, and clinging to Scripture, clinging to God. I think maybe I'm done being "mad" at Him. I still don't understand why this happened and want to ask why, but the anger is fading and I know that's good. I'm basically just learning to take things one day at a time. For so long I was just all about planning everything, days, months, years. In fact the baby was perfectly and meticulously planned. I remember trying to figure out just exactly when I needed to get pregnant to have the baby in May, after finals, but still early enough that I'd have the whole summer to spend with him or her before going back to school. I'd wanted there to be just enough of a gap between Erin and the new baby that she'd have plenty of "baby time" of her own, but that they'd still be close in age. I'd wanted to have just enough semesters of school left that the baby would be a year or two old before I had to get a job. Everything was planned perfectly according to me. But I know that it's not about me and my plans, it's about God and His plans. Even though that's hard for someone who likes to be in control to deal with...

A good day...

Yesterday Pastor Jim and Terri were not at church (which was yucky) but then the guest pastor gave the most amazing message, I was in tears. He told us how he had headed up a ministry some years ago dealing with under-privileged kids and one night he was refereeing a basketball game with some of the kids. A very big young black guy came in and started causing a lot of trouble, and when the pastor went outside to try and talk with him about it, the kid pulled a gun on him, held it to his chest, and was about to shoot him before some of the other kids were able to wrestle the gun away from him. He went to a juvenile detention center for several months and later the pastor saw him at some sort of a youth job fair (or something like that...). He wanted to talk to him, and when he got the chance this young man who had been so belligerent and so disrespectful just started pouring out his heart about how he was so sorry for what he had done. And then, even more amazing, he fell to his knees and prayed and got saved right there! The pastor said that a couple years later he ran into him, wearing a suit and tie, and he was in college. He had completely turned his life around. That just meant so much to me because that is what I dream of doing when I graduate--just making some small sort of a difference in the lives of kids who don't really have any hope. That's why I chose juvenile justice as my major, but so many people have told me it's hopeless, that those kids are just too "far gone" or whatever to be helped. I don't believe so, and it was just good to hear a story that confirms my beliefs! I think I'll really be bringing some valuable assets with me because of my experience as a "bad kid," and most importantly my faith. I know I'll be praying for those kids every night, and I really believe that will make a difference. I also know it won't be easy, but nothing that's worth it ever is.
Well anyway, that was just enough to put me in a really good mood all day. I had to drive out to Hiram to pick up Kim, and the scenery along the way was so beautiful. I almost wanted to stop the car and just go out walking through someone's corn field or something! (It's probably a good thing I didn't...) Whenever I'm outside it just really helps me feel closer to God. I mean, nature is His creation--not buildings, cars, or all those other things people make (although I realize none of that would be possible without God either, of course) and so many times when I'm outside I find myself praying...not all formal like in church, but really just talking to Him, having a conversation with Him. And in doing that yesterday, I felt just a little bit of healing. I'm not really sure why. Looking at fall foliage and horses & cows had absolutely nothing to do with the baby, but I guess I just started to realize that a God who created so much beauty and goodness couldn't possibly be "mean" or make mistakes. Those are things I knew before too but sometimes I need to be reminded of stuff.
Ed is really hoping that I'm pregnant again already because he wants a baby so much and he thinks it would be good for us. I'm really not sure. I want a baby too, but I don't want to seem like we're "replacing" the one we lost. Like when TJ's bird died and we ran out the next weekend and got her a new one. I don't know how long I am going to feel like this though, and I know we can't wait forever. I can't imagine myself ever "getting over" losing this baby. I suppose I do feel better now though than I did when it first happened--and it's been almost two months now. It doesn't seem like that long. Anyway, I have just put it in God's hands. When He wants to bless us with a baby it will happen, and who am I to argue with that?! Meanwhile I will learn to be content with what I have. I am terrible at remembering exact chapters and verses of the Bible (something I've been trying to work on for a while!) but I know that somewhere in the New Testament it talks about learning to be content whatever your place in life. I think that's a really important verse. I think back to when I was little and we were so poor, but I was almost always happy. I didn't even realize all the things we went without until I was older. I think that's because kids are content with their lives as long as they're loved. Then when we become adults we set up all these plans and get disappointed when they don't work out right. We really do need to learn to be contented and that is what I'm trying to do.

Getting Started

Terri suggested this to me, sort of as a way to deal with my feelings about losing the baby, and everything that is happening in my life. And since I'm feeling kinda on the verge of insanity or something (!) I'm gonna give it a try...
It's been over a month now since I lost the baby, and I still don't think I have really dealt with it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind for a while and stay busy (the staying busy part was easy) but I know it's still there. I think the hardest part is not knowing anything about this baby, just feeling so disconnected. I love babies and children so much and I really think there is nothing sweeter in the whole world than giving a newborn baby a kiss and a snuggle and just breathing in that baby smell and softness. And knowing that will never happen with this one, that I don't even know whether it would have been a boy or a girl (and I just hate saying "it") is just tearing me up. I never thought this would happen to me, never. Maybe that's just arrogance or something, but I always thought that miscarriages happened to other women, but not me. With the circumstances of my pregnancy with TJ, I just pretty much figured it was impossible for me to not carry a baby to term.
How did this happen? And why? I just keep asking myself that, asking God. I gues that's my biggest issue there...why did God let this happen? That Sunday in church when everyone was praying for us...why did God let this happen? It puts thoughts in my mind that should not be there and I know that it's just the devil trying to take advantage of this situation and get to me. But I just keep wondering what's the point of praying if God is just going to do what He wants to anyway? Terri and Aunt Jo would probably just tell me that it's because He wants a relationship with me, and Lynda has told me I probably lost the baby because there was something wrong. But that doesn't make me feel better right now. Neither does other people telling me that I'm lucky because they lost babies so much further along. I'm sure it would have been much more terrible to be farther along, but that doesn't mean this doesn't hurt.
I guess what makes it worse is that at times I have felt like no one really cares. Especially people from church. And I hate to think that way because my church family has always been so wonderful to me, all the years I have gone there. I love them all and feel so comfortable with them. But no one from church called, or stopped by to see how we were doing, or anything. One person sent a card (and she's one of the sweetest ladies I know). I realize that so much was going on at the time, what with the benefit dinner and all that, but it just hurt my feelings a little that no one really seemed to care, or at least they didn't show that they cared. I suppose I brought some of that on myself though, pretending to be holding up so well. I'm just not used to talking about my problems and hurts. I'm the one who always helps other people with theirs. I'm the one my friends talk to when something's wrong, I'm the one my mom and sister turned to when my dad was in the hospital and we were all scared. I'm supposed to be reliable and dependable, not crying and hurting--it just seems like weakness, a luxury I can't have.
School is just a mess too. I got so behind because for a whole week I did nothing. I layed around on the couch, I played with Erin a little, I watched Tv, I slept, I cried... In college you just can't go a week without reading your textbooks and going over your notes. I know that, but I let it happen anyway. And I went to school the following week angry at the world for going on without me. I honestly felt that way! How dare my professors go on with class and make me get behind like that! It's silly and childish and stupid but I couldn't help it.
So now here I am with two research paper due dates looming in the too-near future and a husband and kids who need me every day and church responsibilities and just day-to-day stuff like doing dishes and laundry and running the vacuum (which some days feels like running the whole world). I'm really trying to deal with everything and go on with my life. I'm trying to "forgive" God, as horrible as that sounds. Because I know it's what I have to do, because I have been so incredibly blessed. That is why I titled this "Blessings and Confusion"... because as crazy as my life gets and has gotten, I always count my blessings first. God has been amazing to me and I certainly don't deserve it. I came from absolute total filth and He washed me clean. I don't deserve Heaven, and yet I know that's where I am going when I die, because God has forgiven me and loves me. He has blessed me with three beautiful, precious little girls, a husband who loves me and our daughters and is doing his best for us, a wonderful church family and extended family...so much love. And that is what I want to show everyone in return. I want to climb up out of this depression I've fallen into, and shine with love. Hopefully, finally talking about this is the first step...